So, like the rest of our shallow country, I have been glued to the “Hilton Proceedings”. Are our lives so vapid that we need to know every move this sword-swallowing slut makes?
The Dow Jones is up 160 points today… we have a new nominee for chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and all this while there is some little skirmish in Iraq. So what do the major news outlets decide to carry all day? Paris Hilton!
All morning we were treated to a shot of Paris’ roof and front door. At lunch we got shots of the crowd outside of the courthouse. The big bonus was five hours of “B” roll of the humping heiress playing in the window next to the talking heads, as the real news scrolled by on a ticker at the bottom of the screen.
Typically, guys wouldn’t care about this Entertainment Tonight soap opera, but this ordeal has the entire country fixated. So why is male America and Rosie O’Donnell so mezmorized by the People Magazine story of the week?
Lesbian sex.
There it is, I said it. In the back of every guy on the planet’s mind there is a film playing with Paris Hilton doing the hottest prison shower scene in history. We have been so bombarded with pics, jpegs and mpegs of Paris Hilton nude and having sex, we expect to see the prison pictures next.
If memories serve we have already been gifted with topless pictures of Paris Hilton making out with a nameless hot girl when her cell phone got hacked. So I guess we are not expecting anything new from Paris on the lesbian front. She is all broken in for the girls on cell block 4.
So about now you are saying to yourself “Well, that’s fine and dandy Securb we all love lesbian sex, but what the hell does all this have to do with beer?” A lot, actually. When she gets out of lockdown, America’s #1 party girl is going to want to break loose after 45 days of solitude. So in mid-July what would be the perfect beverage to knock her off the wagon? A nice cold beer of course.
There is one problem in giving Paris Hilton a beer. Would you offer Paris a bottle of beer after she has been in lockdown with the cold hard bitches of LA County? Hell no! She could grab the bottle by the long neck break it and cut you with it. Besides, anyone that has seen her greatest moment on film, “A Night In Paris” can tell Paris Hilton is the type of girl that likes it in the can.
With that kind of segway, what better time then now to take my annual look at beers in cans.
So over the years we have talked about how beer tastes the same in a can as it does in a bottle. The advantage is we can take cans to so many more places this summer. Cans are lighter and need no opener. There are so many advantages, we could never touch on them all.
The British are really getting into this trend as well. In a recent press release from Fullers announcing their London Pride will now be available in cans, Fuller proclaimed “Twelve percent of all British beer exported to the United States is in a can”. One UK beer I recently picked is Wychwood’s Hobgoblin Ale.
The first time I had Wychwood’s Hobgoblin Ale it was slightly light struck. Though it was light struck I could taste a great beer underneath the slight skunkiness. This time around I sampled Hobgoblin from a can. It was crisp and fresh, the aromas jumped from the can. This makes me long for more options from across the pond to sample. But not in bottles… give it to me in the can.
12% of UK beers in cans is a good start. I actually wish it were more. Think about the fuel being saved with the light packaging. Cans are more compact allowing more beer per load. One of the reasons we associate good beer with bottles is, until recently, it was cheaper for microbrews to put their beer in bottles. Again, that was until just recently.
Blame Canada for this one. A company called Cask Brewing Systems, a supplier to craft brewers, has introduced to the market two inexpensive canning options. Clients like Oskar Blues have seen a 92% percent growth in bottom line sales. So are craft beer drinkers embracing cans? I would have to say so.
There is something nostalgic about drinking a beer out of a can. You feel like the days of old when a guy cracked open a can of beer with a church key after an honest day’s work. A handfull of cold metal and a mouth full of fresh beer… Is there any better feeling on a summer day?
So Paris, if you are reading this I am just looking out for you. If you are not in the mood for a can of beer, here are some bottle and microbrew options that you can hunt down and sample.
My top 10 beer picks for a thirsty Heiress.
10.) Astoria Brewing – Bitter Bitch IPA
9.) Walking Man Brewing – Street Walker
8.) Wells & Youngs – Ram Rod
7.) Hyde Park Brewing Co. – Big Easy Blonde
6.) Olde Burnside Brewing – Dirty Penny
5.) Kona Brewing – Old Blowhole Barley Wine
4.) Lord Nelson Brewery – 3000 Sheets
3.) Brewery Ommegang – Sour Brownhole
2.) Caythorpe Brewing – One Swallow
And my number 1 beer for Paris wash the taste of strangers out of her mouth is…
1.) Magnolia Brewing – Old Thunderpussy Barleywine
For those of you that won’t be spending the next 40 or so days in the can, I have a better suggestion for you. This can you will want to get into. (You can read that one anyway you want to.) My heavy metal pick for this month is:
New England Brewing Company’s Sea Hag IPA – Before the pour and the beer is even agitated I get the huge aroma of hops. The color is a rich amber with an frothy generous eggshell head. The aroma is of cascade hops rise from the glass. The mouthfeel is lively and malty with nice caramel notes and an extremely hoppy finish.
Commercial description: This one’s a beauty; a rich and full bodied India Pale Ale with complex malt character blended with cascade and noble hops. The end result is a beer that satisfies the “hop head” out there and won’t chase away the newcomer. Drink it. It’s good.
