TMR Movie Review A First Look At Twilight: New Moon

twilight_new_moon“Twilight: New Moon” is a vampire movie with a current twist. Nice vampires. When Nosferatu (the first movie based on Bram Stoker’s novel) was released they didn’t try to hide the fact that vampires were evil, blood thirsty mass murderers. Let’s keep in mind that Vampires are like pitbulls… they will play with you but sooner or later you are going to get bit.

Unless that pitbull is Edward Cullen played by Robert Pattinson. You see Edward Cullen is a vegan vampire. Let me say that again: Edward Cullen is a vegan vampire. Thank God Béla Lugosi is dead because he would die laughing at the concept of a vegan vampire. The movie studio wants to make a bad boy but let’s not make him too bad. Creating a vegan vampire isn’t an original idea, it is a stupid one. The whole teenage vampire gadget that the film is built around is one of the most beat down film gadgets on the history of Hollywood.


Let’s go back to 1936 when “Dracula’s Daughter” the sequel to Béla Lugosi’s “Dracula” was released. “Dracula’s Daughter” was a great film and had moderate success so in 1943 the studios released the blockbuster “Son of Dracula”. This was followed by a crapload of bad B horror films titled “I was a Teenaged Something or Other”.

The reason teens are drawn into these pseudo-watered down horror movies and have been for years is that they are powerless. Let me clarify this comment. Teens think they are grown ups, but even at 16 or 17 they don’t realize that they are viewed as snot nosed kids. They cant vote and can’t purchase liquor. At 17 they can’t even enter into a contract.

At 18 or 19 there are a few more powers bestowed upon teens but lets face it, they are not considered adults. The can leave home to get an apartment and a job, but still, they can’t by a can of beer.

In the world of the teen vampire the teens have the power. They are forever young and good looking. They can stay out past dark, they have to, they are vampires. They are physically more powerful and typically smarter than the adults in the movies. Just as they are in the Twilight series or as I call it Harry Potter Two.

The studios are smart. They saw an opportunity and exploited it. They have a generation of kids that were raised on Harry Potter books and movies that are moving into their teens and adulthood. You grab a familiar face from the Harry Potter series like Robert Pattinson, plug in a classic Hollywood gadget, and you have box office gold.

So the bottom line is to review the new Twilight movie I don’t need to see it. There is no first look necessary of an old film. I have already seen “Son of Dracula” and “Lost Boys” there is no reason to see this piece of garbage. I don’t have to sniff dog shit to know what it smells like.

twilight-new-moonNot only is this movie written for teens but it is written for mindless teen girls. One look at the promo ads for this movie and I know the only ones going to see this movie are teen girls and confirmed bachelors.

Vampires or not these guys would have gotten their manscaped asses kicked in my old neighborhood. At least the “Lost Boys” looked like they could fight. These guys look like they are sucking on something… and it isn’t necks.

So unless you are a 13 year old girl or Congressman Barney Frank save your money and time and rent the “Blade Trinity” or Robert Rodriguez’s “Dusk To Dawn”. At least in “Dusk to Dawn” you will get a Salma Hayek strip tease and a healthy does of vampire violence and gore.