Movie Review – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – Gives You A First Look

twilight_eclipse_reviewIf the Twilight Saga has done anything it has spawned a rebirth in vampire culture. I do not think ever in history have we had this kind of saturation of vampire entertainment.

Late 80’s the smash hit Lost Boys paved the way for a decade of vampire flicks. The sad truth is for every great film like Ann Rice’s Interview With A Vampire, we get 10 horrible ones like John Carpenter’s Vampires: Los Muertos starring John BonJovi.

Hollywood continues to churn out fang flicks good and bad. The Blade Trilogy was phenomenal. This movie had the advantage of being based on a world class graphic novel. The Underworld series was also fantastic until they stretched the premise too far with the 3rd installment.


Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was a was the worst prequel in the history of horror flicks. Let alone the vampire genre.

With The Twilight Saga heading into the third installment many are you wondering if this series is being stretched too thin? Not at all. Reason being you cant stretch shit. Shit can be smeared everywhere but not stretched. This shit that originates as crappy Stephenie Meyer’s novels, finds itself smeared across the movie screens of America once again this week.

These horrible after-school specials about homoerotic werewolves and fruity vampires is the worst franchise in movie history. Unless you are a mindless tween or a gay man there is no reason for you to see this swill. If you don’t fall into the aforementioned groups and you are excited for this release do the following. Make an “L” with your thumb and forefinger and hold it to your mindless forehead.

This crap is so bad I don’t even have to see the movie to review it. I haven’t seen the movie and still I can write a comprehensive synopsis of it.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart who play Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are lovers. This relationship becomes troubled when Jacob Black played by Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt. This not only turns on Bella but also every fat housewife and gay man in the audience. When Edward feels threatened by Jacob he bears his fangs. This prompts Jacob to turn into a shitty CGI wolf (let me take a second to give True Blood props for using real wolves in their series).

The reason they use CGI wolves is no one including Twihards would believe these two ball swallowers fighting. The only thing I could see these two testicle garglers fighting over would be body glitter. Don’t forget Twilight vampires sparkle in the sunlight, they don’t explode like every other vampire in history. So once again I don’t need to see this crap to know what this movie will be like. I have never smelt rhinoceros shit but I can make a fair assumption it smells bad.

So save your money, here is your first official review. The movie will suck more than the first two. The beautiful heroine is Swan and the bad guy is Black? Come on get real, this is the worst shit in the history of the written word.