What better time than Halloween than for us to roll out this Hollywood Horror Show. We understand that everyone in Hollywood isn’t beautiful. We get the concept of character actors. This doesn’t explain the legions of women that are cast in sultry rolls that in our opinion are butt ugly.
Now as I said this is all opinion. What one man calls a butterface another man may call a stone fox. One guy’s 10 at 2 might be another’s perfect babe. With this group we dont thing there will be any disagreements, these are our Top Ten Butterface Celebrities. Some were retreads like Kelly Osborne from our Top Ten Celebrities You Would Never Sleep With list.
For your approval here are the Top Ten Celebrity Butterfaces
Kelly Osbourne: Kelly tops the list now that she actually has a body. It seems the cupcake eating spawn of Sharon and Ozzy has been hitting the gym. The Southern California social experiment is now fit. She is still not sexy. Kelly has a face that could scare vultures from carrion. Still, the Osbornes continue to parade Kelly out to the press in $30,000 dresses. Here is a tip for the Osbournes – you can fill a Gucci bag with horse shit, you still have a bag full of shit.
Juliette Lewis: Lucky for us, Juliette Lewis has been concentrating on her horrible music career. We need not see her in another movie… ever. She speaks and looks like there was some serious inbreeding going on in her family. There is a sexiness to Juliette Lewis but it is more of a “hottest girl at the swap meet” kind of vibe. If you took this girl out of Hollywood I don’t think anyone would ever give her a second look if she wasn’t an actress.
Tori Spelling: Like Kelly Osbourne, Tori is more proof that money cannot buy beauty. If you Google before and after pictures of Tori Spelling you will see that money can buy boobs. Aaron Spelling has more money than most small nations and no matter what he tried to do to his daughter, on screen or off, she has a face that could stop lava from flowing. Thank God her father finally “retired”. Now no one in Hollywood feels compelled to put this talentless hack in any more films.
Lady Gaga: The interesting thing about Lady Gaga is that most of the time she keeps her face covered. I am thinking that maybe she knows she is butt ugly. Her music is horrid, but the inability to keep clothed in her music videos keeps sending her back to the bank. I am hoping her 15 minutes are now over and we are done with the Lady Gaga experiment. Unfortunately, that brings on the 16th minute of fame. If this broad releases a sex tape I think I will puke.
Brooke Hogan: (See Kelly Osbourne and Tori Spelling) The Hulkster has poured a ton of cash into the development of his daughter Brooke’s career. The bottom line is she is just not pretty. Brooke Hogan has a very dude-like look about her… she looks like her dad. We are surprised that Brooke hasn’t yet followed in her Dad’s footsteps and joined the WWE. Her face already looks like it was hit by a chair, so she has nothing to lose. Maybe she can team up with Mick Foley and hopefully they will put a Mankind mask on her.
Martha Plimpton: Why the hell is this woman on TV? Outside of SciFi, this alien-looking actress should not be given a role. Martha Plimpton comes from a pedigree of actors, including deceased actor David Carradine, her uncle. Plimpton looks like she took one of Uncle Dave’s round house kicks to the face. Martha Plimpton has been in numerous Hollywood films including the 1996 ensemble piece “Beautiful Girls”. Rosie O’Donnell was also in that film! Whoever cast this film should never work again.
Sarah Jessica Parker: This Sex in the City star should only have sex in the dark. I have no clue how Matthew Broderick bangs this lollipop shaped buck-toothed bitch. When I heard that Disney was beginning shooting for Secretariat I was shocked that Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t get the starring role. Her equine-esque look also includes a Jay Leno-like chin and a forehead you could show a movie on. Please don’t let it be one of her Sex in the City movies because the rest of the cast of those horrid chick flicks could also be on this list. Outside of The View I don’t think anyone has ever assembled a larger collection of uglier women on TV.
Kirsten Dunst: What don’t we get? Why this woman is still continuously cast as a siren is a mystery to us. Kirsten Dunst, role after role, is cast as a sexy leading lady. Whoever cast her as a 2006 Marie Antoinette was the first to get this right. Our only hope here at TMR is if she is in Spiderman 4 they find some way to give Mary Jane Watson a mask. If they don’t cover her face, maybe Spiderman can shoot some “web” on there or something. Kirsten Dunst, like Juliette Lewis, has the “hottest girl at the swap meet” vibe going on. When you stand her next to her Hollywood contemporaries she needs a bag over her head.
Stacy Ann (Fergie) Ferguson: The Black Eyed Peas singer looks like she was hit in the face with the hot pot they cooked the peas in. Fergie could also end up on a Butter-ass list seeing her weight does fluctuate a lot and sometimes everything looks good except her ass and her face. With 10 pounds of makeup on her face the singer does look great from the 2nd balcony of an arena. Fergie, unfortunately for whom-ever beds her, is a Monet. She looks great from a distance but when you get up-close you see it is just a mess.
Rumer Willis: Holy shit in a shotgun is this chick a mess! Talk about rolling the DNA dice and coming up craps. When you look at Rumer you can see she has her mom’s (Demi Moore) eyes. That is where it stops. The rest of her features are very manly. Like Sarah Jessica Parker, she has the Jay Leno chin going on. If that wasn’t enough her nose looks like it was a victim of botched plastic surgery. Rumer Willis looks like there is an invisible man continuously holding an invisible turd under her nose. Without a doubt she is a case for the geneticists of our nation. Are we sure Jay Leno isn’t her dad?
So there are your Halloween Ten. If you can think of any more please enter them in the comments below.