When I was an adolescent I learned the “rules of engagement”. When chasing, capturing and ultimately concurring the fairer sex there are basic rules all men must stick to. Countless books have been written on the subject of picking up women. Even more texts and journals have been written about managing those relationships once the perfect mate is met.
What most of these tomes do not tell you about is what my friends and I call Rule #354. Simply stated : Rule #354 mandates that you never bed or engage in any way a woman that you would consider more mentally unstable than yourself. This includes temporary insanity due to drug use, alcohol intoxication or menstruation.
Most of my friends are batshit crazy so this rule has not been used in my circle much. Remember the woman in question has to be crazier than you. When I have seen Rule #354 evoked there has always been a lunatic tied to it…nutjobs and freak shows of massive proportions.
There are many people out there that could have benefited from this information. I am sure Andre Rison would have liked this information before Lisa Lefteye Lopez burned down his house. Phil Hartman would be alive today if he used Rule #354.
I am guessing you need examples of what to look for when evaluating these volatile women. Therefore we have put together this guide of what we think are the Ten Hottest Crazy Women in Hollywood. Thou these women look enticing we think they are all a bit too wacked to sleep with. So cue up Buckcherry’s Crazy Bitch and let’s launch this puppy.
Lindsay Lohan – this girl just doesn’t know when to call it quit. Lindsey Lohan’s legal charges seem to stack up day after day. She violated her probation after her drunk driving conviction, later to be charged with grand theft for stealing a necklace. God knows what is going through this woman’s mind. Even with all of her leagal problems Lindsay showed up for a small role in “Machete”… a small role that gave us a look at her huge cans. Lindsey Lohan seems like way too much of a headcase to deal with. Just recently her lesbian lover Samantha Ronson hit the bricks. Rule #354 works for lesbians also I guess.
Britney Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time..at least that is what Britney should be saying when she is strapped in for shock therapy. If I have to document Britney Spears nutty escapades for you, you have been living under a rock. I would say the crowning jewels of her craziness were her stoned out beer-belly performance at the Mtv Awards and of course when she shaved her head. The baldheaded Britney Spears pictures of her attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella were priceless.
Winona Ryder– This girl has always been a bit strange. She always seems to play these dark and troubled characters as she did in Girl Interrupted, Beatlejuice and most recently Black Swan. Her demeanor off camera seems similar to what we see on screen. Her crowning nutty moment was when she was busted in Hollywood shoplifting a couple of hundred dollars worth of clothing from a store. During the trial, she was accused of using drugs without valid prescriptions. The icing on the cake was when she “lost” $125,000 worth of jewelry that was on loan to her for a party.
Foxy Brown – I am almost afraid to write anything bad about Foxy Brown in fear of retaliation. This is the same woman that spat on two hotel workers for not having an iron. On a trip to Jamaica she refused a body search at the airport and punched a policewoman in the stomach. Later Brown attacked two manicurists in Manhattan during a dispute over a $20 bill. If that wasn’t enough. She was later charged with assaulting a beauty store employee and followed up that alleged assault by throwing a blackberry at one of her neighbors and almost hitting a stroller with her car. To bring this whole thing into perspective Foxy Brown can no longer enter the country of Jamaica! You have to be pretty freaking wild for a whole country to ban you.
Angelina Jolie – Probably one of the most beautiful women on this list and most definitely one of the weirdest ones. Angelina first started to show us the crazy at her first wedding to Jonny Lee Miller. She attended her wedding in black rubber pants and a white shirt, upon which she had written the groom’s name in her blood. The fascination with blood carried over to marriage number 2 to Billy Bob Thornton. It was reported she carried a vial of Billy Bob’s blood in a vial around her neck. there have been no reports of her carrying around 3rd husband Brad Pit’s blood around but you have to wonder what is going on with this chick.
Bai Ling – The Chinese born actress started lobbying for a spot on this list early on. In her teens she joined the People’s Liberation Army. She was in what would be the Chinese equivalent of the USO. It seems Bai Ling had authority issues and was accused of insubordination for using tobacco and alcohol. She was soon after diagnosed with “depression” and hospitalized. Her most recent bout of craziness was on Valentine’s Day 2008. The actress was arrested at LAX for shoplifting two magazines and a package of batteries. She said she was coping with the “huge problem of breaking up on Valentine’s Day…wrong boyfriend.”. What was never reported and what we want to know is what kind of magazines were they and what kind of device the batteries were for.
Paz de la Huerta – You probably know this actress from Steve Buscemi’s breakout hit Boardwalk Empire. Paz de la Huerta plays Steve Buscemi’s often naked concubine Lucy Danzinger. When a chick has the name “la Hueta” that should be a red flag righ there.
Tmz.com reported on 3/23/2011: “Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta was arrested last night after she allegedly threw a glass at former “City” star Samantha Swetra at an NYC party on Sunday … and then socked her in the face.
It seems Paz didn’t like Samantha Swetra commenting on her level of intoxication. It looks like Paz showed us the crazy and Samantha Swetra learned a lesson about screwing with drunk NYC Latinas.
Maia Campbell – You know her as Tiffany Warren in the sitcom In the House. The sitcom starring L.L. Cool J that had moderate success on NBC and UPN. A while back a video surfaced of Maia Campbell, She was cursing people out, and saying that she has sold her body for drugs. Later very explicit nude pictures of the actress surfaced both topless and bottomless amateur nudes. Some people thought this was an indication that the actress would do anything for drugs. New video that has recently surfaced show that the crazy train has left the station and this woman is off her rocker. She is shown definitely under the influence of some heavy duty narcotics rambling on about her album dropping. the only thing dropping is her weight and her value in Hollywood.
Jessica White – The Sports Sports Illustrated swimsuit model was arrested in October 2010 after allegedly beating the crap out of another woman. It was reported that Jessica White hit the other woman “numerous times in the face.”
TMZ reported. The fight reportedly began while White was attempting to hail a cab. According to the police report, White struck the other woman in the face “causing lacerations, swelling, and substantial pain.” White’s lawyer, Jeffrey Mennen, told Page Six, “The police report doesn’t sound like Jessica, and she must have been provoked.”
Jessica White is reported to be romantically linked to Terrell Owens who we all know has had his own boughts with sanity. We think it is safe for Terrell to date her he is definitely nuttier than Jessica.
Angelina Pivarnick – This Jersey Shore cast off showed up was the source for much drama on the Mtv reality show. She drunkenly punched castmate Pauly D in one episode. She later got into a physical altercation with Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi over some dweeb. Since her exit from the show Angelina Pivarnick has been tied to drunken exploits and a couple of assaults. She now makes her money on the wrestling circuit.
There are our Top 10 basketcases if you can think of any more please add them to the comments below.