Why only review the first fifteen minutes? Because that is going to tell you whether or not or you would be interested in the rest of the movie.
The Movie: The Horde (2009)
The Synopsis: An end of the world battle between gangsters, cops and zombies in a highrise.
Directors: Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher
Starring: Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins and Eriq Ebouaney
Total Running Time: 1:37
The film is originally in French, but the version I saw was dubbed over in English. Don’t worry, no reading required.
Zero Minutes In:
We open the movie to a view of a dead body, with an Angry Dude with a cross tattoo on his arm staring over a body.
Who is the dead man? Who is the Angry Dude?
We don’t know, because we cut to a funeral scene. The Angry Dude is there along with some French Chick. Which makes sense because the film is French, remember? We pan around the funeral attendees who mill between each other, always looking like they are going to say something to one another, yet they never do.
Then everyone kisses this Barbra Streisand looking lady. A scruffy bearded guy talks to her. We find out that the Dead Man is this woman’s husband. She tells Scruffy to “bring them all back to her.” Scruffy promises.
Next scene is at night. The Angry Dude, The French Chick, Scruffy, and Another Funeral Goer are shown trunk view from a car.
5 Minutes In:
They don some black ski masks, grab some guns, and head towards a skyrise apartment building.
Breathing heavy we get near the building to listen to some Guys With Dogs tell each other to “Fuck off!” That prompts what I assume is Angry Dude to tell the masked people to head to the back of the building. Which they do to some very fine dramatic music.
Crap! Some man is standing at the back of the building too! One of the masked men pulls out a knife. Another one tells him, “We are not here for a blood bath.” And promptly goes to the Dude That Was Just Standing There and beats him up.
Angry Dude rips off his mask. He is really angry now. Quickly pulling out his knife he kills the Dude That Was Just Standing There. Scruffy takes off his mask. Angry Dude tells him that, “Yes, we are here for a blood bath.”
They pull down their masks and enter the building.
Once inside the building, we enter a stairwell and do that whole: point-guns-in-different-directions-in-case-anyone-is-coming thing.
Some moustachioed man with a shotgun busts in on them from behind. Gun trigger sounds emit. Angry Dude pulls out a rather large wallet with a silver coin in the middle of it and holds it up.
We are guessing that is the French version of a police badge. The man with the shotgun tells the cops that he is the Superintendent of the building. They have a quick conversation about the whereabouts of the men they are looking for, the lookouts around the place, and also the fact that building is condemned. Up the stairs the cops (or coin collectors) go. The Superintendent mutters something about how this is his building and heads off in the opposite direction.
As we climb flight after flight of stairs we run across some mean looking chick smoking a cigarette.
We have a twenty second stare-off and move on. The Smoking lady looks like that the entire twenty seconds.
Continuing up the stairs we finally reach the top. A quick recap of the game plan from the Angry Man about who is blowing what up and who is shooting who, and of course the standard: “No one moves until I say so!”
10 Minutes In:
More gun pointing in various directions, this time down an empty hallway. We also do that finger in the air thing, where you point up to the sky to signal it’s clear and then wave the next person to run through to the target. A staple of all rush and seize scenes.
Next we do some of that silly putty/chewed bubble gum explosive thing, where we play with it and stick it on the door. Then you stick a exposed copper speaker wire into it.
However, before we can finish setting up the blow-the-door-open charges, the Superintendent bursts onto the scene to offer his shotgun to the Coin Collectors to help aid them against whoever is behind the door. Some loud whispering ensues, and the Angry Man steps in front of the door just as a bullet comes flying through it. What bad timing on his part.
Some more shooting through the door happens, then some explosions, until some guy emerges holding a gun.
The Superintendent shouts something unintelligible at the Guy With The Big Gun and is immediately shot by him like a hundred and forty times. So much for offering that great gun. He didn’t even get one shot off!
Another guy emerges and we start unmasking the Coin Collectors. (cops really, not trying to confuse you.) As the Second Guy discovers these masked men are Coin Collectors, a Third Guy emerges from the door, looking just as mean and grumpy as the first two.
How many mean and grumpy guys are behind this door anyway?
As Third Guy is telling the other two to drag the bodies into the apartment, he tells Fourth Guy to go warn the Guys With Dogs downstairs that they have been breached. Fourth Guy blinks a lot and runs off. A Fifth Guy appears to help as Third Guy stares at the wounded Angry Dude. Third Guy rips off Angry Dude’s mask, and drags him into the apartment. He shuts the mostly blown apart apartment door.
We then cut back to the Guys With Dogs, but we just look at them for a brief second before returning to the interior of the apartment. All the Coin Collectors are against the wall. The Angry Dude is clearly dying and breathing like he has asthma.
But wait…another quick shot of Guys With Dogs and then back to the interior of the apartment.
We now see some Guy Tied On The Toilet. French Chick looks at him like she knows him. Third Guy holds a gun to Scruffys head and says, “Are you here looking for your (something unintelligible) and shoots Guy Tied On The Toilet.
In review: So far not a single zombie. We have some good (or bad) cops seeking revenge against some bad guys in a condemned apartment building. They get caught.
Cast Of Characters So Far:
The Coin Collectors – Angry Dude, French Chick,Scruffy, and Another Funeral Goer plus Barbra Streisand looking lady.
The Bad Guys – Guy With Big Gun, Guys Two through Seven, Guys With Dogs.
Miscellaneous – Mean Smoking Lady, Dead Guy At The Beginning, The Superintendent
My prediction for the rest of the movie:
The surviving cops and the bad guys will find a way to work together when the zombies do start appearing. Since this is in France the zombies will be fast, because European zombies are always fast. That’s how you tell they are European. At the end of the movie the French Chick, The Head Gangster, and Scruffy will survive or possibly just Scruffy.
Would I Continue Watching:
Yes. It has potential, plus even though there has been no zombies yet, I see them coming in the very near future.