A Man’s Guide to the History of Valentine’s Day*

February is the month of romance for women, jewellery stores, and the Hallmark Company. For guys it’s the month of staring at the rows of chocolate boxed candies, heart necklaces, bath gift sets, and thinking:

“I really hate the color pink…and the musical artist Pink…and what are circus peanuts made out of anyway? Oh, wait… I’m supposed to be buying a Valentine’s Day gift…”

Where did it all begin? Who is St. Valentine? Who is the chubby naked baby and why is he allowed weaponry? And more importantly… why a bow and arrow, a complicated weapon? Why not an Uzi of love or anything with a safety on it?

What is the history of Valentine’s Day and who should we “thank”?

Let’s start with the history of the man himself, St. Valentine, or as he was known, Gustus Nocreditmaxiumus Loveydovey Valentinus. His Public Relations Agent told him to shorten his name to just Valentinus. A few years later Valentinus changed it to St Valentine during his rap phase, after someone else was already touring under V-Money Valentine.

One of the Roman Emperors, I think his name was Dickus Assholus III, thought that single men made better soldiers than married men. Which was partly true because single men hadn’t had their spirit to live sucked out of them by their wives yet. St. Valentine set up a secret, underground Elvis Wedding Chapel in the Roman city of L. Vegus. For the right price, he would marry couples in secret, and provide two glasses of champagne, the marriage certificate, two witnesses, and a choice of one of eight classic Elvis gospel hits to play during the ceremony. For 20 clams more (plus tip), he would de-virgin your bride for you. When Dickus Assholus III, discovered this he ordered St. Valentine’s death. St. Valentine was killed while watching the Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock movie, The Lake House. He was happily stoned to death, or stoned while dying. History is unclear on this fact.

Over the years, St Valentine was honored by sending homemade gifts of love to your special someone during the month of his death. The general rule of thumb was that you were to spend no more than a quarter of a Denarius on any gift which roughly translates to, (including inflation) $1.12.

In the 17th century women demanded a little more from their St. Valentine’s Day gifts and started withholding sex unless the man spent at least 20 shillings.

Finally, during the Women’s Right Movement in America in the 1920’s, besides the right to vote and fair wage, it was decided that you were a cheap bastard if you didn’t at least shell out 50 bucks for flowers and candy, or dinner and a movie.

Some ideas to give to her:
Candy, Flowers, Jewelry, Dinner, Wine, Cars, Coats, Puppies, Trips, Concert Tickets, Shoes, Lingerie, Cards, Gift Cards, a TV, Poem Books, Romance Books, Shirts, Skirts, Purses, Money, Gold, Massage, Lotions, Bath Salts, Furniture, DVDs, Music, Manicures, Pedicures, Ponies, War Bonds, Scarf, Love Coupon, Earrings, Pearls, Paintings, Vodka, A Parrot, Curtains, Towels, Perfume, Lipsticks, Shower Head, Unicorn, Stripper, Palm Tree, Whirlpool, Pictures, Deodorant

Some ideas to give to him:

Chocolate Fish

R2D2 Candies

Chocolate Beef Jerky

* Valentine’s Day History may or may not be historically accurate.