Some 2013 Oscar Winners That Were Not Televised

Since the 2013 Oscars have come and gone, we are able to proudly reveal some of the winners that didn’t make it on air.

Best Second Unit Director:
Marty Scramps for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

The Second Unit Director is the unsung hero of the First Unit Director which is the unsung hero of the Director. Marty won for his 3 second shot of Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home. It took Marty close to seven hours to set up the scene and against all odds of union breaks and a light wind, he was able to deliver some of the most beautiful exterior house shots ever recorded.

Best Caterer:
Sal’s Hollywood Sandwiches And Fried Fish Balls for American Reunion

Sal’s is a relative newcomer to the Hollywood landscape bringing his special blend of hot and cold loose meat sandwiches paired with balls of fried fish innerards. Sal’s piece-de-resistance that earned him his Oscar is the Chipotle Salmon and Sauerkraut Fried Fish Balls.

Best Props Master:
Tina Rickles for Red Dawn

Tina won for her controversial choice of using a P90 Combination Lock on the Prop Shed over the traditional 86 C Padmaster Combination Lock. This bold move changed nothing for the movie but enabled Tina to get a 3 figure endorsement deal.

Best Armourer:
Albert Smithy for Red Dawn

Red Dawn takes another one for Best Armourer or Best Person Who Knows About Guns And Weapons And Stuff. Albert introduced some sort of long rifle gun that looked pretty cool and of course several of those rapid fire short bad guy guns too.

Best Greensman:
Bud Budsman for Brave

Normally a Greensman handles plants and trees for live action movies, but the scenery was so impressive on this computer animated cartoon that the award goes to the guy who waters the plants in Bob Iger’s office, who is the head of Disney.

Best Boom Operator:
John Strickman for 21 Jump Street

This is the guy that swings that big drop down microphone just out of reach of the camera’s eye. You would think that they could just get a robot or something to do this, but no…it’s still a union job. This is a hard category to vote on since everyone pretty much does the same adequate job…so it usually goes to the snappiest dresser.

Best Best Boy Grip:
Nicole Johns for Safe House

Normally this is not an Oscar winning category, but since the position is called: Best Boy Grip, someone pointed out that it would be funny to have a Best Best Boy Grip. Because then you can say best twice and snicker. Then someone else said it would be funny to make a woman win the Best Best Boy Grip. Nicole won because she was the only woman Best Boy Grip.

Best Limo Driver:
Jake “The Demon” Cutford for Battleship

Jake “The Demon” Cutford successfully drove a cranky Liam Neeson to the set of Battleship for 4 months without one accident or speeding ticket…but then again, so did all the limo drivers. Basically all the driver’s names are put into a hat and the winner is randomly drawn.

Best Personal Assistant To A Celebrity:
Shasha Binker for Resident Evil Retribution

Shasha is the Personal Assistant to Michelle Rodriguez and had to endure a gruelling six month shoot of hearing, “I’m more talented than this movie!” and “I wish I lasted longer on LOST!” Shasha is a new comer to the Personal Assistant business and graduated from London’s prestigious Snooty Butler Academy.

We ran out of room to tell you about the other winners, but they include the following categories:

Best Nipple Tweaker
Best Proof Reader
Best Entourage
Best Yes Man
Best Over Actor Male
Best Over Actor Female
Best Actor You Know From That TV Show Who Made A Two Second Appearance In The Movie But You Can’t Remember Their Name Or The Name Of The TV Show
Best Movie Trailer
(In A Theater)
Best Movie Trailer (For An Actor To Live In Temporarily While Shooting The Movie)
Best Oscar Parody (Not even nominated.)