At some point you heard a song and just knew that you had to pick up a guitar and learn how to play some bitchin riffs. This would be the answer to making you cool, becoming rich and famous, moving out of your mom’s basement and finally getting laid.
You wandered into a guitar store and bought the coolest looking gear you could afford. Who cares that every note you played sounded as though it was forced out of the asshole of a dying raccoon, you had awesome gear. Now you could hang out with the cool kids in the smoking area at school, justify your rock star wardrobe and fantasize about all the groupies you were gonna bang, (instead of the girl sitting next to you in science class) while you beat off in the shower.
High school ended and you never went any further with education because you knew you were going to be a rock star. Pretty soon it was gonna be an endless supply of bourbon in the limo while you snorted coke off of strippers tits. You wrote songs endlessly and kept a diary of lyrics, never mind that your singing sounded like a cat having it’s scrotum pulled off, one day an amazing singer was gonna recognize your genius and you’d make a bazillion dollars from the song rights.
It’s now a decade later, you’re still living in your mom’s basement, your bank account has less zero’s than your IQ and you still haven’t been laid (other than that hole in the couch coushin incident that your cousin still refuses to talk about). You know that fame will find you one day, after all pot bellied, middle aged virgins are the next big thing in rock and roll.
One big obstacle is the fact that the world is so much stupider than you. People just don’t understand the depth of your lyrics and fail to see the genius of rhyming haiku’s about boobies.
Adding insult to injury is that everyone is threatened by your unique style. You’ve invented your own scales, and even named them after the characters in the comic books you collect for added cool. And that guy with the music diploma who calls them crazy things like ‘Dorian, or Mixolydian’, doesn’t know a god damned thing. You know your scales and have a pile of guitar magazines to prove it. Sure any wanker can go from playing rhythm to solo and back to rhythm, your 2 beat pause to reposition your hand is your unique touch that will soon have kids imitating every note you play.
We at TMRZoo applaud your efforts and have compiled a ten step list for others to emulate your cool and learn how to be like you.
Step 1. Never have a full band.
It’s important to always have 3/4 of a band for several reasons. This means you’ll have to show less people the latest album cover you’ve spent all night drawing and will always have the topic of ‘How lame people are’ when you’re chatting up that girl with the rolling eyes at the bar.
Step 2. Hang around guitar stores.
Spending a few hours a week leaning on the counter and trying every guitar in the store is important to spreading your genius to the teenagers in the store. And those guys that work there? Pffft, they work on a Saturday’s and evenings. Everyone knows that real rock stars NEVER work evenings and weekends.
Step 3. It’s important to never book a gig.
Why go through all that hassle when there’s backyard parties and jam nights? Besides, you’ll play plenty of gigs when you’re famous.
Step 4. Build a jam space in your home.
The key to this is to paint it black, put up track lighting and have a small stage. This way when you and your 3/4’s of a band are rehearsing those rookies will know what the true stage experience will feel like when you lead them to fame. Also remember to practice talking to the audience so you’ll sound extra cool on stage.
Step 5. Have a band logo and a cool band name.
Everyone knows that only pro’s have banners in their jam space with an awesome logo which was painted on an old bed-sheet in the driveway with leftover spray cans. The band name is important, it tells people all about you and what . After all who would be surprised by a ballad called ‘Smashed Ass Cherry’ from such a cool sounding band called ‘The Viking Cock Lords’. The honeys will be throwing their moist panties and thongs at you in the parking lot while their tasers recharge.
Step 6. The mirror lies.
It’s a well known scientific fact, (see step 9) that the mirrors you buy in stores are not well made. So your droopy eyes and long thinning hair are all just the poor lighting it’s picking up. Besides, you’ve found the perfect angle to stand and hold your stomach in so you can clearly see the six pack. Now squeeze on those form fitting threads and go out there to rock those hotties world tiger.
Step 7. Join internet guitar forums.
Lots of them, all of them. Even if you don’t own equipment by that manufacturer it’s important that you join up so you can respond to every guitar thread and post with your wisdom and experience. Make sure to report every reply that doesn’t agree with your thoughts. After all, you have years of experience, a wall full of cool guitars, a logo and a banner and hang out in the latest bars and guitar stores. What else do you need to be the most brilliant expert ever?
This is also why it’s so important that you spend hours every night relentlessly arguing with whoever is wrong. After all, it’s not your fault they are stupid, and it’s important for you to tell them this at every opportunity without any proof; because you are going to be a rock god and peasants who argue with the gods must be smote down with wrath. Another important thing is that you post loads of cool pics of your gear and you standing looking cool holding one of your latest amazing axes.
Step 8. Buy lots of guitars.
Everyone knows that big famous rock stars own a boatload of guitars, so start buying them every time you get paid. That way you won’t have to be bothered in guitar stores by the huge crowds of screaming fans when you become famous, and instead will have more time to do all those cool guitar poses you’ve been practicing in the mirror for years.
Step 9. Learn science from the internet.
When not pounding your dick into submission with free porn video clips spend your time reading all sorts of science-y type stuff. Or better yet, go on streaming sites and watch videos of people who are never going to be big famous rock stars (that wasted their time and money getting an education) explain it to you with brightly coloured animation. Short films are best, under 10 minutes, it’s easier to remember stuff to misquote this way.
Step 10. Make videos.
Your wisdom must be shared. People NEED to hear what you have to say. Make videos, with a banner title and music you claim you wrote for the intro. Introduce yourself and then find fault in everything you don’t like, make sure that you use this chance to mock everyone who disagreed with you and to quote all the science-y stuff that you have absorbed into your awesome brain. Don’t waste valuable air time actually playing, but if you have to play remember it’s always the equipments fault why you missed that note. The side bonus to this is the ladies will get to see what a smoking hot stud you are from the mid section at a worms eye view and be able to recognize you instantly on all those internet dating sites you belong to.
These ten basic steps will help all those mindless drones out there recognize your genius and speed-up the fame process for you when all your fans in waiting start trying to be like you.
Stand tall web warrior, the world will soon recognize you. All those plates of Kraft Dinner and sausages, those hundreds pizza pockets and gallons of cola have given you the same body as any NFL player without ever stepping in a gym. Your collection of sleeveless shirts shows this.
We have taken a moment to give you the long overdue recognition you deserve, and realize that your expertise on all things science-y and music must be acknowledged by the ignorant masses that need you to think for them. When you have finished wiping the hand cream from your keyboard and read this we know you’ll feel proud.