Measures Taken To Protect the Health and Safety of Keith Richards

In light of the rash of deaths in the music world The Rolling Stones and their management team have taken extraordinary measures to protect the health and safety of legendary guitarist Keith Richards.

Keith Richards has been the subject of rumors and innuendo for years surrounding his drug and alcohol use. When his contemporaries were overdosing and flaming out in the 70’s it was rumored that Keef got dialysis treatments to cheat death. These myths are compounded with the passing of each of Keef’s musical colleagues.

A spokesman for The Rolling Stones explained why the band was taking these extreme measures.

“Keef has never been sick a day in his life despite his debaucherous lifestyle” Stones publicity manager Barry McCaulkener told The Daily News. McCaulkener went on to say. “However with the rash of deaths in the classic rock community we want to do everything we can to ensure the safety of Mr. Richards”.  McCaulkener would not explain what measures had been taken by The Rolling Stones when pressured citing medical privacy laws.

Long time Rolling Stones roadie and guitar technician Craven Moorehead was more than eager to offer the details. Moorehead told The Daily News “that tosser Jagger had Keef wrapped up in bubble warp” in a thick Cockney accent. Moorehead explained “yeah, Keef has taken a tumble or two after a few pints. He gets up right as rain. This is a bit of a damp squid for Keef”

Mick Jagger’s people would not comment on Craven Moorehead’s claims. Still, sources that want to remain unnamed have confirmed the legendary guitarist is in bubble wrap.  Speculation is Keith Richards will stay in his protected state until the completion of the Rolling Stone’s next studio album.