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You're f'ing kidding me right? - Printable Version

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You're f'ing kidding me right? - Hooch - 05-20-2010

Here's my first hand "are you kidding me?"...

I'm at a client's annual golf outing yesterday and my foursome is sucking as usual. We're ready to tee off at a long par 5, it's a beautiful hole... stream with a small wooden footbridge over it, wildlife all around... including a groundhog eating some grass about 50 yards away on the other side of the stream.

Our first guy tees off and shanks a line drive that didn't get more than a yard off the ground... and hits the groundhog square in the side without even a bounce. He wrecked that fucking thing. The guy didn't even know it was there as he asked why the three of us were on rolling on the ground laughing.

I can still hear the THUD. The hog was writhing on the ground all fucked up, rolled down the hill into the stream and managed to pull itself out onto the bank under the bridge. We just stood around looking at it.

We finished up the tee-off and I went over to check it out again, but the thing was gone. Whether it pulled itself up under the bridge to die or it fully recovered and ran away, I have no idea. But we had plenty of ball-busting material for the rest of the day. By the time we got back to the clubhouse, everyone knew about the groundhog killer.

What are the fucking odds? Tiger Woods couldn't have made that shot with that speed and that low to the ground if he tried a million times.


You're f'ing kidding me right? - 3dR3 - 05-20-2010

now that's fucking hilarious......

and for the record, this sounds pretty fucking gay:
Quote:I'm at a client's annual golf outing yesterday and my foursome is sucking as usual

so that's what it takes to get an invite?


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Hooch - 05-20-2010

3dR3 Wrote:now that's fucking hilarious......

and for the record, this sounds pretty fucking gay:

I rewrote that paragraph a few times to lessen the gayness. Its tough with golf... strokes, shafts, holes, sucking


3dR3 Wrote:so that's what it takes to get an invite?

you have to blow the right client


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Securb - 05-20-2010

Who wants pancakes?


You're f'ing kidding me right? - davien - 05-22-2010

The Westboro Baptist Group, known for picketing graveside memorial ceremonies for fallen soldiers and others with inflamatory signs like "God Hates Fags" and shouting that dead soldiers are proof God hates America. Now the group has announced on it's website that it will attend the public memorial for Ronnie James Dio May 30 at Forest Lawn, Hollywood Hills.

Here's the text posted on the church's website:

"Forest Lawn Memorial-Park, Hollywood Hills 6300 Forest Lawn Drive WBC to picket this public memorial to remind you who worship that old Serpent, Satan, that your time is very short. You know 67 year old, Satan-worshiping (or at least one of their enablers) Ronnie James Dio (of showing his devil horns to the world each time he goes in public) Black Sabbath fame is dead, right? We'll be there! Just because the chances of any of God's elect being amongst this group of heavy metal sycophants is slim to none does not mean they should not get some good words. Yes, it is true that Ozzy Osbourne did "accidentally" bite off the head of a bat, but THAT is the least of their sins (little nasties!), they currently do not do that, but they throw raw meat to the audience and encourage violence of EVERY FORM! Here you have the list of admitted sins of this now dead and in hell pervert: 1) He hates his neighbor(s) starting with Ozzy Osbourne, and continuing down to his pornography star niece Gen Padova! 2) He hates God. Pay especial attention to the fact that he changed his original sir name from Padova to Dio, which means God in Italian. 3)Ronnie the simpleton enabled, and encouraged Sorceries: everything he was about including the little finger horn thing (he got this from his mother which is an incantation to ward off the "evil eye") to the drugs, bloody raw meat and his fellowship with those pentagram necklace wearing freakish band members. Yes, Ronnie James Padova (NOT DIO) is currently residing in hell. When all those who worship him and his false gods meet him in hell it will be just like this: Isaiah 2:12 For the day of the LORD of hosts shall be upon every one that is proud and lofty, and upon every one that is lifted up; and he shall be brought low: Isaiah 14:11 Thy pomp is brought down to the grave, and the noise of thy viols: the worm is spread under thee, and the worms cover thee. Praise God all ye, His people. The Great Day of the Lord draws nigh. AMEN!"





shifty


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Speng - 05-22-2010

3dR3 Wrote:now that's fucking hilarious......

Yeah, that had me laughing too.


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Securb - 06-13-2010

An attorney claims she couldn't visit her client at a South Florida detention center because of the undergarment she was wearing.

The attorney said an underwire bra set off a metal detector at the Miami Federal Detention Center earlier this month. Guards at the facility then wouldn't let the woman inside.

According to The Miami Herald, the attorney removed the bra in a bathroom and again tried to enter the detention center. This time, guards refused to let her inside because she wasn't wearing a bra.


The woman later e-mailed other attorneys about the incident. Officials at the detention center declined to comment to the newspaper, as did the attorney who was involved.


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Speng - 06-13-2010

Florida man attacked by water buffalo. OK, not really

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/06/11/florida.water.buffalo.attack/

June 11, 2010 8:08 p.m. EDT

Miami, Florida (CNN) -- It's not every day that a sheriff's deputy responds to a call on a water buffalo attack, especially in Florida, where they simply don't exist.

But in the Florida Keys, a man frantically called 911 early Friday after the stuffed water buffalo head hanging on his wall fell on top of him as he slept in his living room recliner.

The animal head was so heavy he couldn't move it, but he was able to reach his nearby cell phone to call for help, according to deputies with the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

"I was just sitting there and watching the news and kabbam," said Jim Harris, 56, of Islamorada, Florida.

"Then it had me pinned, and that really sucked," he told CNN.

Sheriff's deputies removed the buffalo head so that paramedics could attend to Harris.

"It weighed at least a couple hundred pounds," said firefighter paramedic Kyle Burkel.

"It mostly damaged his pride," said Burkel.

"He said to me, what are the odds of this happening ? I said, '"You were sitting under a buffalo head, so they were probably pretty good.'"

Harris was taken to nearby Mariner's Hospital where he was treated for minor injuries and sent home to rest -- on his recliner

On the 911 calls, Harris is heard shouting out his address.

"I'm trapped," he breathlessly tells operators.

"I think a f------ buffalo fell on me," he told them.

Harris, who owns a water filter company in the Keys, rents the home from a friend. He says he's getting rid of the water buffalo head.

"I f------ got my ass kicked by a buffalo, imagine if it was alive,.what they could do. Oh my god," he said.

Today, he says he's feeling the after effects of his run in with this long dead animal.

"My neck, my shoulder, my back, my face. I feel like i've been in the ring with Ali," he said.

Firefighter's say one of Harris' arms was pinned by the huge head.

"He even had a glass of milk sitting on his night stand, and the only thing he could reach was his phone," said Burkel.

Alive, water buffalo can weigh up to about 2,500 pounds and grow to about 6 feet tall and about nine feet long. Their heads including their horns can be about six feet wide. The gigantic animal is native to south Asia, where some still live in the wild, but some are kept in herds all over the world, mostly for meat or cheese production.

"This is karma," said Harris. "Someone shot this thing and now it's payback, but he got the wrong fella. I didn't shoot him."


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Hooch - 08-10-2010

I have a feeling Peter can't deliver like the ride did...

[youtube]mTMm01akqKA[/youtube]


You're f'ing kidding me right? - Securb - 08-10-2010

That reminds me of the time I came on the Round-Up, fun for all.