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Random Jokes Pt 2 - Printable Version

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Random Jokes Pt 2 - CDeVoss - 02-03-2013

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

I recently spent $2500 on a young black angus bull. I put him out with the Herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my Cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what the heck was in the pills the vet gave him, but they taste kinda like peppermint.

A married man walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all he wants for Christmas is for his wife to be interested in sex.
Santa then proceeds to give him a bottle of pills. He tells him to give them a try and then let him know how they work.
So he takes the pills home and puts one pill in her Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for an hour.
The next day, he's so thrilled! "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," he thinks to himself.
That night he puts two pills in her food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, he's even more thrilled, so he dumps all the pills in her food.
Two weeks go by without a word from this man, so Santa decides to give him a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your dad home?"
"No, he's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your dad's and I gave him some pills to help him out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you something -- Dad's lying on the ground holding his groin, the UPS man won't deliver Christmas presents to our house, and Mom's stalking the produce man at the grocery store!'

“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
“Don’t be angry,” the Mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”
A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… “Now she knows.”

Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Little Johnny, to ask where she could find a taxidermist. Little Johnny said he did not think there was any there. She said, "Are you sure?" At that, he admitted he did not know what the word meant. Therefore, she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals. Little Johnny said, "Oh hell, we have got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!"

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father."
"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, “According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing.”
“Really?” asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, “And do you know what song they sing?”
The friend nodded her head and replied, “No.”
The therapist replied, “I didn’t think so.”

According to the Knight- Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv., until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Foremost amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500S convertible.

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"
"Uh huh," said Dick
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"Uh huh," said Dick.
"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"That's right," said Dick, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Two nuns were on a remote beach. They decided to go behind a sand dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them. The first nun asked him, “Aren’t you going to focus?”
The second nun said, “Quiet sister…let him take his picture first.”

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys’ laps. After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer.
Surprised, he replied, “Yes, I am! How did you know?”
“Easy,” she said. “I’m getting shocked by your soldering iron.”
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, “Are you a mechanical engineer?”
He said, “Why, yes, ma’am. How did you know that?”
“Simple,” she said, “Your piston is scraping my cylinder.”
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, “Are you a civil engineer?”
“I certainly am,” he answered. “How could you have known that?”
“Well,” she said, “I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village.”

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Secretary to boss: I have some good news and some bad news.
Boss: What's the good news?
Secretary: You're not sterile.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had $100 when we broke in!”

The Government of Queensland found about 200 dead crows near Ipswich last autumn, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck."

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".