Do we need another monkey?

[Securb]

Groot Constantia, in the heart of Cape Town's wine country, can deal with inebriated holidaymakers – but it is invading baboons which have developed a taste for its grapes that the wine makers are struggling with.

Each day, dozens of Cape Baboons gather to strip the ancient vines – the sauvignon blanc grapes are a particular favourite – before heading into the mountains to sleep. A few, who sample fallen fruit that has fermented in the sun, pass out and don't make it home.

"They are not just eating our grapes, they are raiding our kitchens and ripping the thatch off the roofs. They are becoming increasingly bold and destructive," said Jean Naude, general manager at the vineyard, which is celebrating its 325th birthday this year.

Guards banging sticks and waving plastic snakes have been deployed with only limited success, and not even a blast of a vuvuzela, the plastic horn made famous at the World Cup, seems to frighten them.

It is not just the vineyards in South Africawhich are under siege, however, but also the exclusive neighbouring suburb of Constantia, home to famous residents including Earl Spencer, Wilbur Smith and Nelson Mandela.

Crisis meetings between animal welfare groups and traumatised locals are struggling to find a workable solution.

[Hooch]

Crisis meetings between animal welfare groups and traumatised locals are struggling to find a workable solution.

As we have learned over here in the TMR offices, there are only 2 "workable solutions."

1) Shoot the fuckers

2) Let them keep doing what they are doing until they get bored and stop.

Everything else is futile and will only piss them off... and you really don't want a 200lb primate with a great arm, and an endless supply of feces, pissed off.

[3dR3]

As we have learned over here in the TMR offices, there are only 2 "workable solutions."

1) Shoot the fuckers

2) Let them keep doing what they are doing until they get bored and stop.

Everything else is futile and will only piss them off... and you really don't want a 200lb primate with a great arm, and an endless supply of feces, pissed off.

it was funny once...... but only once.

[Securb]

A man Largo police accused of speeding down East Bay Drive while intoxicated early Thursday morning had an unusual partner in crime: a monkey riding shotgun.

Largo resident Eugene Kotelman, 36, passed a police cruiser in his Ford truck driving at about 70 mph shortly after midnight, police said. He was arrested on a felony DUI charge and was being held at the Pinellas County jail Thursday in lieu of $5,000 bail.

Also in the truck with Kotelman was a "small monkey," according to police. The truck was seized and the monkey placed in the custody of one of Kotelman's friends, police said.

Largo police Lt. Mike Loux said Kotelman has a "lengthy criminal history," including multiple arrests for DUI and driving with a suspended license.

[Speng]

I need to get a trunk monkey.

[Hooch]

http://www.vice.com/read/yo1-v14n10

Meet Pony. She is an orangutan from a small village in Borneo, where they cut down the rain forest to render the palm oil that gets sold abroad and made into lip salve, ice cream, chocolates, and cheese crackers.

Michelle Desilets [Director of the Borneo Orangutan Survival Foundation]: Pony is an orangutan from a prostitute village in Borneo. We found her chained to a wall, lying on a mattress. She had been shaved all over her body.

If a man walked near her, she would turn herself around, present herself, and start gyrating and going through the motions. She was being used as a sex slave. She was probably about six or seven years old when we rescued her, but she had been held captive by a madam for a long time. The madam refused to give up the animal because everyone loved Pony and she was a big part of their income. They also thought Pony was lucky, as she would pick winning lottery numbers.

Did the clients realize that they were in fact getting an orangutan?

Oh yeah, they would come in especially for it. You could choose a human if you preferred, but it was a novelty for many of the men to have sex with an orangutan. They shaved her every other day, which meant that her skin had all these pimples and was very irritated. The mosquitoes would get to her very badly and the bites would become septic and be very infected, as she would scratch them constantly. They would put rings and necklaces on her. She was absolutely hideous to look at.

How did you get her away from there?

It took us over a year to rescue her, because every time we went in with forest police and local officers we would be overpowered by the villagers, who simply would not give her up. They would threaten us with guns and knives with poison on them. In the end it took 35 policemen armed with AK-47s and other weaponry going in there and demanding that they hand over Pony. It was filmed by a local television crew and in the background of the film when we are unchaining Pony you can hear the madam crying hysterically, screaming, “They are taking my baby, you can’t do this!” There is no law enforcement in Indonesia so these people didn’t face any sentence or anything for what they had done.

[Securb]

We would never get Cletus to leave the office

[Speng]

I imagine it's a real bitch shaving an orangutan.