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Moron of the week
Whatever happened to just shoving stuff up your ass? I never thought I'd be nostalgic for that. LOL

Shoving stuff up your urethra, that's hardcore.
Pa. man arrested after giving mouth-to-mouth to roadkill
By Sam Wood


Some people will go to extraordinary lengths to save their pets. Tales of pet owners giving CPR to their cats and dogs are fairly common. But how many folks would try to resuscitate a wild animal?

Possums are prone to play dead, especially when threatened. Their eyes glaze over, their teeth are bared, and they secrete a rank stench from their glands.

But the possum lying along the Colonel Drake Highway on Thursday was doing none of that, troopers said. It was long-dead certified roadkill.

And Donald Wolfe was intent on bringing it back to life, troopers said.

Trooper Jamie Levier of the Punxsutawney barracks said witnesses saw Wolfe, 55, locking lips with the lifeless marsupial about 3 p.m. in a remote area about 80 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.

After receiving several calls, troopers arrested Wolfe along an isolated stretch of the highway and charged him with public drunkenness.

Levier says the Brookville man was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth, I guess."

Another person saw Wolfe kneeling before the deceased animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a séance, Levier said.

In a release, state police listed the victim of the incident as "society." Wolfe will face the charges before a district judge in Jefferson County at an unscheduled date.

Wolfe, who does not have a listed phone number, could not be reached today for comment.
did that guy really want rabies?
do you want fries with your ass beating?
A WOMAN whose hair caught fire when her hairspray-coated follicles ignited as she lit a cigarette is now a southern Indiana town's reigning "Village Idiot".

Dani Hamm earned the honorary title this month by getting the most votes from regulars at the Story Inn, a restaurant and bar about 24km east of Bloomington where she's a bartender.

The title awarded every April comes with a $US100 bar tab at the rural inn.

Hamm was driving to work in February when she lit up a cigarette and then heard a "whoosh" as her hair ignited.
She wasn't injured because she used her hands to douse her hair, which she had coated with a liberal layer of hairspray.
Autistic man with fart fetish gets sexually assaulted

An Oklahoma City man seeking a "friend" who shares his "fetish for flatulence" told police he was sexually assaulted by a man he met online, according to police report released today.

The 27-year-old man told police Friday he exchanged phone numbers in January with another man, who sent text messages with graphic sexual questions and comments, some of which the victim saved and showed to police.

The victim agreed to meet the man March 27 and went to his Oklahoma City apartment about 11 p.m. because the man said he would "fart for me," the victim told police.

The police report said the victim has autism.

The man took the victim into his bedroom and began to sexually assault him, which the victim said he pretended to enjoy because he was scared and is "not much of a fighter," according to the report. The victim told police the man threatened to beat him up.

The man told the victim to leave about 1 a.m. because his mother was going to wake up and leave for work soon, the report states. The victim did not report the incident until Friday because he was embarrassed, he told police.
Mow-down LI teen has a sick way of looking at bright side of death

She mowed down a helpless, elderly woman while driving a van high on drugs, but a twisted Long Island teen still claimed to see a bright side to the horrific crash.

"The thing that made me not feel so bad was, she was old," hellcat Kayla Gerdes, 18, told investigators after she was busted for killing 69-year-old Rebecca Twine Wright as the retired doctor trimmed her lawn Tuesday, a source told The Post.

Gerdes, of Freeport, claimed to once be a model. And she was so self-absorbed in the hours after the wreck that she told cops interviewing her she wants "to see a newspaper of the news, to see what I look like."

Just moments after the crash on the tree-lined Hempstead block, the teen showed more concern about being late for a court date than she did for the woman whose broken body was crumpled on the ground, according to court documents.

Gerdes, who cops said was high on the powerful painkiller OxyContin, stepped from the wrecked vehicle and demanded that that a passer-by help her get to the courthouse.

"I'm late for court. You have to take me to court!" she exclaimed, according to a criminal complaint. She was due to appear for allegedly stealing her mom's jewelry, even though she was driving in the opposite direction of the Nassau County courthouse in Mineola.

Her passenger and boss, Brian Steele Jr. -- who appeared to be oblivious to the carnage -- bellowed at her that she wrecked his car two weeks ago and lamented that "he has to pay for this now."

He has not been charged.

Gerdes changed her tune as she was hauled off to her arraignment yesterday, uncontrollably wailing to the cameras about the slain gardening enthusiast and mother of two.

"I didn't mean to do it . . . I'm so sorry, it was a mistake!" she screamed. "The car went out of control and I was pressing the brake and it wouldn't go!"

During her outburst yesterday, Gerdes also admitted to popping pills.

"I was on prescription drugs. Leave me alone!" she said, sobbing, "I'm sorry" over and over.

Gerdes' lawyer, John R. Lewis, said her statements to police about Wright didn't paint the whole picture of how upset his client was after the wreck, which left a gaping hole in the victim's home.

"She started crying, 'Oh, my God, is she a mother?' " he said.

Gerdes was held in lieu of $200,000 bond on manslaughter charges.

The van she was driving belongs to a roofing company she worked for.

Her boss, Steele, was driving at first, but Gerdes demanded to take the wheel because he wasn't going fast enough, police said.
What a fuckin' sorry excuse for someone who (supposedly) walks upright! :mad: I hope she never again sees the world unfettered by cuffs, bars, and razor wire!!!
[Image: 0423102mugs3.jpg]
Man beats his quadruple amputee girlfriend

Her side:

A St. Paul man has been charged with beating up a quadruple amputee. The abuse reportedly started after she was blocking his view of the television.

Jacoby Smith, 37, was charged Friday for beating up a woman and trying to stop her from calling 911.

Neighbors thought the couple that lived inside the East St. Paul apartment on Jessie Street looked out for each other. Allegations of a brutal attack early Monday morning have changed their minds.

"He would be pushing her wheelchair and helping her out. I didn't think something like this would happen," Latonya Wulff, a neighbor said.

"A few times I helped her get her wheelchair out of the snow. She was a nice woman," Darryl Dawson, a neighbor said.

All four of that woman's limbs were amputated years ago, her arms below the elbow and her legs above the knee. Just before 7 a.m. Monday, she said her boyfriend, Smith, got mad that she was in front of the television.

According to the charges, he threw her to the ground and punched her in the face more than 10 times. She tried to get to the phone to call 911 but Smith swiped it and then blocked the door.

"It's scary. Like I said, she's helpless. She couldn't fight him back," Wulff said.

The woman eventually convinced Smith to take her to this Super America to get some ice for her injuries. She said she was finally able to get some help thanks to the clerk.

His side:

A St. Paul man charged with beating up a quadruple amputee last week admitted Monday that he hit the woman, but only after she hit him first.

A criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County District Court said that Jacoby Laquan Smith got angry at his girlfriend Tiesha Bell because she blocked his view of the television in their East Side apartment. He threw her to the floor and punched Bell in the face more than 10 times in the March 22 incident, according to the criminal complaint.

But in a telephone interview, Smith, 33, said the dispute with Bell, 28, started with an argument over whether she was seeing another man.

"I had been dealing with her cheating on me," Smith said.

Smith said the argument escalated after "I turned on the TV and she got mad."

"She punched me in the groin" Smith said. He said Bell also hit him with a coffee canister and a bedpan.

"It was full of pee," he said.

In response, "I hit her once and that was it," Smith said. "Maybe twice."

Although Bell had both hands and part of both legs amputated because of a childhood illness, Smith said she can still be violent when she loses her temper.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith said. He said she also hit him with her wheelchair.

Bell on Monday agreed there was hitting on both sides. She said she plans to marry Smith and doesn't want him to serve jail time.

"We both need anger management," she said.

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