Moron of the week

[TooFunny]

California man tries to amputate own arm with butter knife in Denny's restaurant



By The Associated Press
MODESTO, Calif. - Police say a man tried to cut off his own arm at a restaurant in Modesto, Calif., because he thought he had injected air into a vein while shooting cocaine and feared he would die unless he took drastic action.


Authorities say 33-year-old Michael Lasiter rushed into the Denny's restaurant late Friday and started stabbing himself in one arm with a butter knife he grabbed from a table.


They say that when that knife didn't work Lasiter took a butcher knife from the kitchen and dug it into his arm.


Police Sgt. Brian Findlen says Lasiter told officers he thought he needed to amputate his arm to keep himself from dying from the cocaine injection.
Lasiter was taken to a hospital for treatment of severe cuts.


The Denny's closed for the night.

[Securb]

I know what a skank is, but I am confused. Why is Andy Dick in the skank thread?

Because he is a filthy manwhore bisexual.

[Speng]

And what is the correct term for a male celebrity idiot?

Kutcher?

[Speng]

Jessica Simpson Admits to Flatulence, Says It 'Smells Like Roses'

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,413541,00.html

Jessica Simpson admitted to a flatulence problem at her show at the Avalon Ballroom in Niagara Falls on Wednesday, according to the Niagara Falls Review.

"I do pass gas a lot," she said. "I guarantee it smells like roses."

And that was the least of Simpson's faux pas, according to the Niagara Falls Review critic, who writes that it might be unfair to call the show a train wreck because "At some point, a train knows where it's going."

Simpson has recently made the move from pop to country, and the critic says "this cowgirl seems completely lost and desperate for approval on stage" which "made for a bizarre and often frustrating show."

She also declared how much she loves "Destiny" Springfield, according to the writer, when she meant to say Dusty Springfield.

The critic did have some kind words for Jessica, saying the performance was unworthy of her new album and that her "ditzy" persona is what "makes her so likable."

On a side note, the writer suggests that Simpson implied in a song dedication that ex-husband Nick Lachey cheated on her.

[Securb]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Jessica Simpson would be a moron Ashley Simpson would be a skank.

[Speng]

Correct me if I'm wrong, Jessica Simpson would be a moron Ashley Simpson would be a skank.

I don't know, now that she had her nose fixed and she's not going with the dark hair, I think Ashley is the superior looking life form.

I never found Jessica particularly pretty, she's dead in the eyes.

[Securb]

OK they are both skanks

[Speng]

OK they are both skanks

I can't argue with that.

Ashley gets points deducted because she got impregnated and married that homo eyeliner wearing douche from Fall Out Boy.

[Speng]

Malaysian man gets nut stuck in delicate place

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080831/od_...3TQseek3QF

KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) - A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong, a news report said Sunday.

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, the Star newspaper said, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state.

Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed, the newspaper said.

It said the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut from the unnamed welder, who is in his 20s and hoped the nut would weigh down his penis to make it longer.

"The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star.

On August 25, another young man in Kuala Lumpur had tried to increase his sexual prowess by slipping a steel ring around his penis, forcing the fire department to cut off the ring after doctors were unable to remove it, the newspaper said.

[Prog]

NEW YORK (CBS) ― A Queens man is considering legal action against the New York Yankees after he was ejected from Tuesday night's contest against the Boston Red Sox for trying to use the restroom during the playing of "God Bless America."

During the patriotic 7th inning stretch at Yankee Stadium, nature called on Bradford Campeau-Laurion. When he tried to leave his seat during the traditional singing of God Bless America, however, he says he was stopped by a NYPD officer who said he'd have to wait until the song was done.

"I then said to him, 'I don't care about God Bless America. I just need to use the bathroom.' As soon as I said that, he immediately pinned my arm behind my back," Campeau-Laurion told CBS 2.

The 29-year-old says two officers pinned both of his arms behind his back and ejected him from the stadium.

"He shoved me out the front gate and told me get out of their country if I didn't like it," he said.

Campeau-Laurion says he didn't know theYankees had a rule restricting movement in the stands during the playing of God Bless America. The rule is enforced by ushers, stadium security and the NYPD.

The New York Civil Liberties Union says, however, that New York's finest crossed the line.

"Because they are enforcing a rule of that imposes political correctness through refusing to let somebody go to bathroom while a patriotic song is playing, that violates Constitutional rights," said Donna Lieberman, a spokesperson for the NYCLU.

The Yankees say it's now a police matter.

The NYPD told CBS 2 a different version of the story, however, saying in a statement:

"The officers observed a male standing on his seat, cursing, using inappropriate language and acting in a disorderly manner while reeking of alcohol, and decided to eject him rather than subject others to his offensive behavior.

Campeau-Laurion was at the game with a Yankees season ticket holder who couldn't believe the cops allegations.

"That's ridiculous," said the fan, who asked not to be identified. "That's completely false."

Campeau-Laurion says he did have two beers at the game. He doesn't know if he'll seek legal action, but he's discussing his options with the NYCLU.