Groan!

[lreese]

Heard on the radio on the way to a colostomy:

"You picked a fine time to leave me loose seal..."

[GoldenVulture]

When life was simple.

Church Ladies With Typewriters



They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:



The Fasting & Prayer Conference, includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[LesStrat]

There was a church where the preacher and the music director were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached a sermon on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director sang, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the preacher spoke on tithing and how we all should give gladly to the work of the Lord. The director led the congregation with, "Jesus Paid It All."

The third week the preacher shared a message on gossiping and how we all should watch our tongues. The music director led, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on the preacher became disgusted with the situation and the following Sunday he informed the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led with, "Oh, Why Not Tonight.

As it came to pass the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and that it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music director sang, "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."

[LesStrat]

What do you call a group of singing dinosaurs?






A tyrannochorus.

[LesStrat]

My friend says I'm snoopy.

But maybe she meant it differently than it sounded in her diary.

[lreese]

[lreese]

People with constipation just don't give a $hit.

[LesStrat]

Did you hear about the new movie about constipation?


It hasn't come out yet.

[GoldenVulture]

Hospitals have no concrete brain-dead policy

- http://nypost.com/2015/12/29/hospitals-h...ad-policy/ -

[lreese]

- http://nypost.com/2015/12/29/hospitals-h...ad-policy/ -

If hospitals have no concrete, what are they made of then?