It’s happened again! Another report has surfaced accusing yet another high-profile celebrity figure of entering the deplorable world of kitten eating. We were shocked when we broke the story of Kristen Stewart, of Twilight fame, eating kittens to improve her acting performance for an upcoming movie role. She was the first female we added to the dreadful list of kitten eaters, and now we are adding a minor to the list… Justin Bieber.
For those of you who do not know who he is, Justin Beiber is an ultra-popular Canadian pop and R&B singer. He is also only 16 years old… or so we have been told. While recently investigating stalking allegations from Bieber, detectives have found some “inconsistencies” within the evidence collected. During a recent performance, a 47-year old housewife ripped a lock of hair directly from Bieber’s head. The woman fled the scene, but police arrested her at her home where the lock of hair was found as well as 27 bags of trash she grabbed from the sidewalk of the Bieber residence over a period of 12 weeks.
DNA tests were performed on the hair sample to confirm that it was Bieber’s, and indeed it was… but possessed the characteristics only present in the hair of a 76-year old male. Also found amongst the bags of garbage was receipts for the bulk purchase of kittens which totaled in excess of $5.7 Million.
Investigators have not made any statements yet, but the writing is on the wall. This is yet another case of kitten eating to enhance personal performance.
Based on all the information we have received, we’re going to take this one step further. Not only is Justin Bieber eating kittens to stay young-looking, he and actor/singer Robert Goulet are one in the same. Goulet’s death was reported as October 30, 2007 at the age of 73. Bieber’s first album was released on November 17, 2009, more than two years after Goulet’s alleged death. That is plenty of time to reverse the aging process with a daily dose of kittens and dial back 60 years.
If you need more proof, just listen to the two clips below… the singers are different, but the voices are INDENTICAL. Please, judge for yourself:
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Furthermore, we do not know if the Goulet/Bieber is this celebrity’s first transition. Speculation is rampant over the idea that the career of Robert Goulet is actually the result of another false death report and and another “fountain of youth” use of kittens many moons ago. The cycle could be endless.
As always, the TMR Zoo will be staying on top of this kitten eating travesty and we will report any and all details as we receive them. Something has to be done to stop this dreaded practice, and soon. There is not an endless supply of kittens on the planet that we can use at our disposal.
