The staff here at the TMR Zoo have delivered you, our readers, some of the hottest celebrities and Babes of the Moments on the internet. Alas, not all celebrities are hot or titillating. Some can actually be downright nasty. As a staff, we have compiled what we think is a list of celebrities you would never insert your penis in.
With this collection of women, there should be no question in your mind that you wouldn’t sleep with anyone of these girls named. In compiling this list we did not simply rate these celebrities on physical attributes… that would be too easy. We took into consideration; personalities, promiscuous pasts and premature aging.
Weighing heavily into our decisions is that the majority of the women on this list are bat shit crazy.
There may be a celebrity or two that you see on the list and say to yourself “she is a mess but I would hit it”. After we get done stating our case we’re sure you will agree these are The TMR Zoo Top 10 Celebrities (We Hope) You Would Never Sleep With.
1. Courtney Love – This is an easy one. We are sure all of you will agree. Courtney has a long and sordid history of drug abuse. Although she has never been tied directly to heroin, her ex-husband Kurt Cobain definitely was. Intravenous drug use and a face that looks like it was hit with a flaming baseball bat bring Courtney Michelle Harrison to the top of our list.
A body that looks like a skeleton had some skin draped on it has something to do with it too.
2. Amy Winehouse – Amy Winehouse is, without a doubt, one of the nuttiest women on this list… and possibly on the planet. Her drug abuse makes Courtney Love look like a girl scout. Amy was hospitalized in 2007 due to an overdose of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and alcohol. Reports are that a partridge in a pear tree was involved as well.
The drug abuse definitely shows on her face. Making her even less attractive is her back alley tattoo work. We have prison tattoos that look better than Amy’s ink.
3. Michelle Bombshell McGee – She may be Jesse James’ type but no one in this office seems to find her attractive. It is not her tattoos that turn off the staff… Jesse’s ex wife Janine Lindemulder has full sleeves and we all agree she’d make it onto exact opposite list to this one. Maybe we just find swastikas and neo-nazi modeling shoots unattractive, I don’t know.
The bottom-line: even if you strip away the tats and the swastikas, she is still trash.
4. Kelly Osbourne – Ah, the demon spawn of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne is a walking, talking social experiment. She shows us that no amount of money can buy beauty, or class. The Osbournes have more money than some small nations due to Sharon pimping out every member of the family. Still, no matter how many coats of paint they spray on their drug addict, donut-eating daughter, she is still a wreck.
Kelly’s physical appearance is only half the challenge. When she opens her mouth she sounds somewhat like a London street whore but a slightly less-classy version of one. This talentless F-bomb dropping Hollywood trash also has a history of banging C-list rock musicians. So if you slept with Kelly you would be sleeping with everyone her “musician” boyfriends slept with. I would imagine that list would look like the L.A. County phone book.
5. Heidi Fleiss – Holy shit! Where should we start? Would it be the past ties to prostitution? Maybe we should talk about the drug use. Celebrity Rehab’s Dr. Drew did brain scans on Fleiss that showed significant frontal lobe dysfunction. This makes Heidi the first “certified” head case on our list.
Heidi’s life of debauchery has caused her to hit the wall harder and faster than Dale Earnhardt Sr. Not only is her brain a wreck but as you can see her face didn’t survive the crash either.
6. Tawny Kitaen – This has to be the fastest slide from a 10 to a 2 in the history of mankind. This vixen that starred in Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks caused the “The Great Tissue Shortage of ‘84”. Tawny was also named in the “Tennis Elbow Epidemic of ‘86” after starring in all of those Whitesnake videos.
She first showed us the crazy when she beat the shit out of then-husband and California Angels’ pitcher Chuck Finley, with a stiletto heel. We later learned that Tawny’s crazy wasn’t all brain chemistry when she was busted with 15 grams of cocaine in 2006. The coke definitely shows on her face… she must have been in the passenger seat when Heidi Fleiss hit the wall.
7. Kathy Griffin – Obnoxious? Ya think? Not only is Kathy Griffin annoying, but her plastic surgery makes her look like something from the SyFy Channel. This annoying comedienne was a co-host of The View at one time. If you are unfamiliar with this show The View is 4 to 5 women consisting of usually 3 to 4 ugly ones and one cute one talking about current events. Guess what? Kathy Griffin wasn’t the cute one.
Her head-to-toe surgically altered appearance is as unappealing as her whinny voice. She looks like Wayland Flowers’ ventriloquist dummy Madame. You younger readers can compare in Google images.
8. Mary Murphy – While we are on the subject of annoying voices, let’s talk about Mary Murphy. Mary is a choreographer and co-host of the testosterone-draining show “So You Think You Can Dance”. Whenever a contestant impresses this judge does she intelligently critique the performance? No, she lets out an ear-piercing scream that sounds like a cross between a crow being slowly blended and a police siren.
After a few seconds of sex, Mary would be screaming so loud, blood would run from your ears. Pass.
9. Nicole “Snookie” Polizzi – Snooki, snooki, snooki…What can we say about our little Jersey Shore star. Some people find the nymph-like reality star to have a cuteness about her. We think she has a troll-like vibe going on. Snooki also has a high “trash” factor.
The way she talks and carries herself is beyond cheap. We are not turned on by slutty trolls. She also has a penchant for getting slugged in the face. No thanks, we’ll avoid the charges.
10. Gabourey Sidibe – Let us premise this buy saying we know nothing about this young woman. None of us have seen her movie but we understand she is a very talented actress. We have heard nothing but good things about Gabourey Sidibe. Sad to say she is the only woman that made it on the list solely on her looks.
To put this into context, she makes Mo’Nique look good. Not too many women can do this. Howard Stern commented about Gabourey Sidibe on his Sirius satellite show. Stern said “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous.” We are going to have to agree with Howard, this chick is huge.
If you were on the fence with any of these girls at the beginning of this article we hope we’ve clearly stated our case. If you feel we missed someone fell free to tell us in the comments below.