The Boston Red Sox Sign Jonah Falcon to Bolster Pitiful Offense

Boston MA – April 13th – In a move shocking the baseball world, Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein announced that the Boston Red Sox have signed Jonah Falcon to a 5 year, 13.5 million dollar deal. Though The New York native has never played professional baseball, Epstein and Red Sox manager Terry Francona say they have no worries about Falcon’s abilities.

Terry Francona said he has been interested in signing Falcon since first seeing him in the 1999 HBO documentary Private Dicks: Men Exposed. “I am sure Jonah can knock the ball out of the park with that huge dick of his”, gushed a red faced Francona.

In the documentary, Jonah Falcon unveils the largest penis recorded on film, 13.5 inches long. He later appeared in a documentary by UK Channel 4 in 2006 called “The World’s Biggest Penis.” Falcon is also a regular guest to the Howard Stern show.

Red Sox batting coach Dave Magadan stated he isn’t sure about the rules pertaining to someone batting with their penis but he is sure there is nothing in the rule book forbidding it.

Until now Jonah’s exposure to Baseball has been limited to hosting the talk show “Talkin’ Yankees”. He is also a  Sr. Gaming Writer for Now he gets his chance to step into the limelight.

Infielder Kevin Youkilis said he was excited to see Falcon join the Red Sox batting line up. “I am so excited they signed Jonah to the team” said a smiling Youkilis, “I can’t wait to see Jonah swinging that big penis at the plate.”

Kevin Youkilis was not sure how this would change the Red Sox line up but he was pretty sure Falcon would be batting third and he would be clean up. There is no picture of Falcon or his penis on the Red Sox website yet, we expect it to be updated later today.

The 5 year 13.5 million dollar deal gives Falcon a million dollars for each inch of penis. This does not include any endorsement money. Sources say the Fenway Frank Footlong will now be called the “Almost Jonah”.