Big Brother 11: Brains, Boobs, and Brawn

bb11And I thought we left high school behind. But, here we are, right back again, courtesy of Big Brother. For some unknown reason, they thought it would be a good idea to break this season’s houseguests up into four, well known high school cliques: Popular, Brains, Athletes, and Off-Beat.

I don’t know what high school the producers of BB 11 went to, but, if it was my high school, it would have been a little different. It would have looked more like this: Jocks, Nerds, Rockers, Punks. Popular, Brains, and Off-Beat spread across all groups, so they wouldn’t have had their own cliques. I won’t destroy your illusion of me (whatever it may be) by telling you what clique I was, or wasn’t in.

Anyway, once the houseguests filed into the BB house, most of last night’s show was taken up learning a little about each contestant as they introduced themselves to each other, and to us.

We also found out, from the always lovely host Julie Cheng, that one of the twists this season is that there will be a 13th houseguest, but the twelve current houseguests don’t know it yet, or who it is. And we don’t know who it is yet either. But we’ll find out soon. All we know is that it’s someone who we’ve seen before. And the plot thickens…

Let’s meet the houseguests, in no particular order:
Kevin: an apparently flamboyantly gay (though he hasn’t said so yet) graphics designer who described himself as ‘Blackanese”.

Jordan: A cute southern belle, who works at a salon during the day and serves (who knows what) and loves it, at night. In her promo, she promised her friend that she wouldn’t booger, which she explained was what they call sex in whatever small backwater town Jordan is from. So, don’t forget, don’t stick your shnozz where it don’t belong.

Lydia: A special effects artist who is totally covered in tattoos. She looks like someone to be reckoned with. If that wasn’t enough, in her promo, she told us all that she would hook up with anyone, man or woman, to get further in the show. She will be interesting.

Jeff: Ex-football player, now ad salesman from Chicago. Superjock. Every show has one. He told the houseguests that he played college football. One of the female houseguests commented that he wasn’t just hot, he was soap opera hot. Is that different than movie star hot, or star athlete hot? I’m confused. Jeff also said he doesn’t like reading books much, so we might be able to surmise that if he’s soap opera hot, than he’s MTV dumb.

Natalie: For some unknown reason, she didn’t want the other houseguests to know how old she really was, so she told them that she was only 18 (she’s really 24). Also, when they went out to do the first challenge, she told her team that she’s done “some Tae Kwon Do”, when actually, she won a bronze medal in the Junior Olympics. Interesting things to lie about. When the other houseguests find out, and they will, she will never be trusted again. Not very smart.

Chima: A freelance journalist who laughs, quite obnoxiously I might add, at her own jokes. Also, she has so much plastic in her face she barely looks real.

Michele: Like Natalie, while introducing herself, she also told a bit of a fib. Unlike Natalie, she was smart in doing it. She told the houseguests that she was a lowly research assistant. In fact, she’s a PhD in Neuroscience. Most certainly not something to share with your housemates right off the bat. If anything would scare most of these knuckle dragging mouth-breathers off, it’s someone with actual brains. She’d be voted out of the house at the first opportunity. She needs to keep this nugget to herself for as long as possible.

Braden: Surfer dude. During his intro he said that surfing is his business and business is good. He ran around the house saying that words can’t describe the house, but tried anyway, using non-words like “Superdeliscious” and “pow-wowliscious”. Doesn’t seem very bright. Explained his name as “like a braid-in-your-hair”. OK.

Laura: Has more silicone in her chest than they have cameras in the BB house. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of her her in a bikini in front of every camera she can find. Called herself a “sweet bitch” during the intros. I’m not quite sure what that means, but I guess we’ll find out.

Casey: The oldest guy in the BB house at 40. 5th grade teacher by day, rap DJ by night. During the intros he begged the other houseguests not to kick him out because he’s 40.

Ronnie: Super-geek computer gamer. The only thing he was missing was a pocket protector. Thought he was going to start to cry when he got his key to the house. He was just a little too excited.

Russell: Commercial real estate broker and MMA fighter. Calls himself “Russell the Muscle”. Clearly very much into weightlifting and bodybuilding. Can help or hurt in this game.

As I mentioned earlier, they were broken up into four cliques:

Brains: Michele, Chima, Ronnie

Athletes: Russell, Natalie, Jeff

Popular: Jordan, Braden, Laura

Off-Beat: Casey, Kevin, Lydia

But wait. There’s more. Don’t forget, Julie told us that there was a 13th contestant. But first we had to start the first Head of Household (HOH) challenge.

Back in high school, certain people got, and gave wedgies. So, in that spirit, all of the contestants were instructed to jump into large pairs of underpants, and grab onto toilet seats bearing their names. Then they were grabbed from behind by large hooks and lifted from the ground, effectively giving them very uncomfortable wedgies.

During this ridiculous exercise, Julie explained that there was one extra contenstant from each of the four groups, standing by. They were all former contestants who had been voted out of the house.

If the Brains won the competition, then Brian from BB10 would re-enter the house. If the Populars won, then Jessica from BB8 would come back. If the Athletes won, then Jesse from BB10 would come back, and if the Off-Beats were to win, then Cowboy from BB5 would come back.

Well, to make things even more interesting, not only would that person come back, that former contestant would also be the first HOH.

And, the first HOH of BB11 is…. Jesse, who somehow, is even more obnoxious than he was last season. While re-introducing himself he almost burst a capillary he was flexing so hard. I don’t know how much of watching him staring at himself in every available reflection I can take this season.

We can only hope that fellow muscle-head Russell isn’t nearly as in love with himself. Two on the same show will be almost intolerable. Between them and Laura, there may not even be enough mirrors in the house.

Big Brother 11 will air every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday night, on CBS.