The TMRzoo NFL Total Jackass Team 2008: Offense

by Steve Tomassetti on February 6, 2009

All Jackass Team logoProfessional Sports Player… it is a career goal for almost every young athlete on any field of play anywhere in the world. A very rare few achieve this goal and one would imagine that once an individual elevated him or herself to such an echelon, their life would be complete, they would be happy and all they would need to do is behave and count their millions… right?

Unfortunately this is not the case and every sport has their bad eggs… some sports more than others. On the heels of a great Superbowl XLIII and just prior to the 2008 NFL Probowl, we are paying tribute to those “gentlemen” of the National Football League who have had a little bit of trouble behaving themselves in a fashion that we as sports fans expect. I present to you TMR Zoo’s roster of the biggest jackasses that took the field during the 2008 NFL season.


Today, it’s all about the offense:

QUARTERBACK/House Mom

BRETT FAVRE
Queen Favre2008 Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Reason: Biggest drama queen on the planet
Result: Traded. Tarnished legacy.
After holding the Packers hostage with yearly dramas over whether he was going to retire or not, Queen Favre finally agreed to ride off into the sunset and call it a career… until camp started again. The Pack didn’t bite and made it perfectly clear he wasn’t their guy anymore. Favre was traded to the Jets for a conditional pick so he could still play, but acted like a total bitch throughout the entire process… like a high school chick who was stood up on Prom night.

RUNNING BACKS

CEDRIC BENSON
Benson2008 Teams: Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals
Reason: Drunken boating/driving. Sucking.
Result: Arrested twice, released.
After a routine police inspection of his 30-footer, Benson failed a sobriety test with flying colors. He avoided the police with as much skill as he has avoided defenders throughout his career… not at all. They pepper sprayed his drunken ass and drug the 15-person party boat to shore. Cedric was arrested again five weeks later on suspicion of drunken driving and the Bears cut him shortly thereafter.

LARRY JOHNSON
LJ2008 Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Reason: Assault. Douchebaggery
Result: Arrested, Suspended
Larry Johnson is appropriately named because he sounds like he is a big dick… or maybe size is the underlying issue. Allegedly, he has a very hard time keeping his hands to himself when it comes to the ladies, and I don’t mean in the touchy-feely way. This year, he spit a drink into a woman’s face at a K.C. night club and the NFL slapped him with a 1-game suspension. Oddly, none of LJ’s alleged incidents involve anyone his own size… or gender. Plus, he sucked balls this year on the field.

OFFENSIVE LINE

BRYANT McKINNIE
Bryant McKinnie2008 Team: Minnesota Vikings
Reason: Picking on Bouncers. Spitter.
Result: Arrested, suspended.
A repeat offender of the NFL personal conduct policy, McKinnie had a little too much testosterone brewing one night when he mixed it up with a bouncer at a Miami night/strip club. While being ejected, he spit in the face of the bouncer “attempting” to throw him out. Once outside, he picked up what was described as a “heavy pole” and slammed him over the head with it. McKinnie was arrested off of a party bus shortly thereafter and later suspended by the NFL for four games. He was also a member of the infamous “Love Boat” incident that plagued the Vikings a few years earlier. Why the hell was a single bouncer trying to throw out a 6′-8″, 335 pound offensive tackle?

JEREMY BRIDGES
Jeremy Bridges2008 Team: Carolina Panthers
Reason: Assault and Battery. Threats.
Result: Arrested. Deactivated.
While in a crowded restaurant, Mr Bridges decided to “pop champagne” by shaking up a bottle of Dom Perignon and spraying it on fellow patrons. For some odd reason, the people got upset and Bridges was asked to leave. When a bouncer came to escort him off the premises (yep, another bouncer incident) he verbally, then physically confronted him. Bridges was arrested and then “deactivated” for the Panthers’ following game. He’s no stranger to these types of incidents, Jeremy was arrested one year prior for pointing a gun at a stripper.

NICK KACZUR
Nick Kaczur2008 Team: New England Patriots
Reason: Pill-head. snitch.
Result: narc-for-a-day
In June, The Boston Globe wrote that Kaczur was busted for criminal possession of the prescription painkiller oxycodone. The story doesn’t end there though… he cooperated with DEA agents and wore a wire during three separate deals, successfully busting his supplier. Eventually, the dealer plead guilty. No bouncers were involved in the bust. You must be a complete jackass if your career is to smash your 300lb+ body against players of the same size during every single play, every single game and you can’t get a legal painkiller prescription.

TIGHT END

MARTELLUS BENNETT
Martellus Bennett2008 Team: Dallas Cowboys
Reason: worst.rapper.ever
Result: Team fine.
Martellus snuck onto the Jackass Squad in the very last days of the 2008 NFL season by posting a shitty rap video on YouTube. The rap included offensive terms for blacks and gays and bragged about having Jerry Jones’ money… all while wearing a Cowboys helmet and drinking. I have to give him credit though, he was he first person ever to be creative enough to rhyme Romo with “homo”. Shortly after, Bennett posted an apology on YouTube that really didn’t apologize for anything. The team fined him over $22,000 for the incident. Wait… did the Cowboys actually hold a player accountable for their asshole actions? Maybe the world IS coming to an end.

WIDE RECEIVERS

PLAXICO BURRESS
Plaxico2008 Team: New York Giants
Reason: Piss-poor shot, even worse teammate.
Result: Arrested, Suspended twice.
If the Total Jackass Team has a poster boy, Plaxico is it. In November, when it appeared that the New York Giants were going to run away with the NFC, Plaxico Dumbass shot himself in the leg with an unregistered Glock while at a New York City nightclub. He turned himself in the following day, but only after a hospital debacle which included using a false name. When the police were searching his New Jersey home a 9mm handgun, a rifle and ammunition were found. Stay tuned for the result of that story, the court date is pending. The shooting incident was only one of many issues Plaxico had in 2008. Over the past year he’s been suspended for repeatedly missing team meetings, been involved in two civil lawsuits (both involving vehicles), and had two temporary restraining orders filed against him. Technically, he is still on team suspension.

CHAD”Ocho Cinco” JOHNSON
Ocho Stinko2008 Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Reason: Plenty
Result: Team suspension.
What do a goal post, the injury cart and Chad Ocho Cinco have in common? They are all the biggest tools in the NFL. Chad has tried to be a big enough pain in the ass to his team to force a trade or release… and they never bit on any of his bullshit. In the offseason, Johnson legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco and sought to have it on his jersey. For obvious reasons ($$$$$$$) the NFL did not allow him to wear his new name on his back. Johnson’s mouth did not stop running all season long and he even spent some pre-game warmups with the opposing team. In November, he was suspended one game for violating team policy. When the smoke cleared, Johnson had one of his worst seasons since his rookie campaign.




In the next article, we will be focusing on the All-Jackass Defense, followed by a Front Office/Special Teams/Bench edition. Click the graphic link at the top of the left sidebar to access all three articles once they have been posted.

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All of the information in this article is alleged and can be found on multiple sources on the internet.

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