I felt immensely out of place as I strolled the lush green grounds of the country club. My stone-washed jeans and black blazer that I had since 1996 did not hold a candle to the $90 socks of the club members. I tapped one of groundskeepers on the shoulder and as the pollen dust blew off his shirt I asked,
“Um…do you know where the Polo fields are?”
“What?” asks the old fellow.
“Do you know where the Polo fields are?”
Just then Rodney Lacroix rides up on his thoroughbred Australian quarter horse, 15.2hh, 3yr old gelding and just stops short of where I was standing. He is dressed in his polo shirt, white trousers, brown riding boots, knee pads, and Polo riding hat.
“Don’t get any weird ideas about the knee pads,” Rodney says to me and holds out his hand.
I grab hold of it at the wrist and he hoists me up onto his horse with the strength of ten men twice his 5’3” stature, and we ride off into the sunset.
If you’re not familiar with the name Rodney Lacroix, then perhaps you are more familiar with the name Moooooog35. If you are not familiar with the name, Moooooog35 then perhaps you don’t appreciate laughing your butt off. Moooooog35 is Rodney’s Twitter name, and now author of the book “Things Go Wrong for Me”
After Rodney stopped his horse, which I appreciate because it was particularly gassy, I got to ask him a few questions about Twitter, his book, and his balls.
Before we get into the book, let’s go back to the beginning, but you know not the beginning of time, or even the beginning of the book. I want to know about the beginning of Twitter for you. What drew you to it?
Rodney: The idea of offending people in real time and in 140 characters or less seemed both challenging and AWESOME.
How do you come up with your tweets? Do you just tweet at random or do you sit down and craft them?
Rodney: Um. Most of the stuff just comes to me.
This is why some days I’ll Tweet once a minute for an hour..then you won’t hear from me for 2 days.
The problem with the 140 characters is – well – if you’ve read my blog posts, being concise. Most of mine go WAY over and I end up spending 20 minutes trying to cut crap out of them.
So is Facebook a better platform?
The problem with Facebook is the lack of audience. I mean, I have a DECENT audience but most of them won’t share your statuses…whereas on Twitter the all-glorious RETWEET can really get you noticed and followers. And, as we all know, the person who dies with the most followers, wins. I’m not that person. I will die sad and alone.
I have a hard time saying the word RETWEET. I sound like gay Napoleon. Have you ever found some of your stuff passed off as someone else’s? Stolen in other words.
Rodney: Surprisingly, only once. Then I threatened him and – voila – an apology email appeared and the plagiarist went away. I think I may have given him the example of a guy who shit all over me in my comments once, and who was thusly lambasted by my readers for a week. I held a contest to see who could make him cry. Was SO worth it.
Haha! Ouch. I now know not to mess with you. On everything you do, including the book, what’s with the hand with the eyes and the “oh so sexy” lips?
Rodney: Yeah. Um. I honestly don’t remember.
The closest I can come to an explanation for that is actually a story in my book. Where I say something about dressing my hands up for masturbating. Then letting them go at it for a while because I like to watch.
I think that’s it. It’s disturbing to read that out loud.
Easy threesome though…
Rodney: No such thing. And trust me, I’ve tried every major credit card.
Me too. When and why did you start your blog?
Rodney: I started my blog in 2007 when a coworker mentioned he was starting one to make money. I was all, “I WANT TO MAKE MONEY” so I started one. 5 years and roughly $6 in pure profit later, here I am.
Yes they seem like a stepping stone to making money yet I think the only one who ever has is Perez Hilton. Personally, I have lost money.
Rodney: I think maybe that’s the key. Gay gossip blogging = money.
No offense but I don’t need money that badly. Yet.
Do you hate the word blog as much as I do? Blog should be a description of logs in a bog for lazy people. “Watch out for that floating blog over there, it’s got an alligator on it.”
Rodney: I honestly haven’t thought about the word blog as earnestly as you have. Seriously, I think you may need another hobby.
I have been told that …alot, alot. My only other hobby is yelling at the dog. Do your kids read/know about it? Do they know they are often the subject matter of your musings? How do they feel about it?
Rodney: Yes, my kids know about it and – yes – they know I write about them. This is frustrating because when I START to show them the posts I write, I have to send them away because there are filthy adult words in there because OF COURSE a story about children should be filled with swear words. I live in New England. It’s how we do shit up here.
My kids once told me, “Dad I didn’t know you were so funny?” Gee thanks kids. Go to your room. Do yours think you’re funny?
Rodney: I just asked them and they said, ‘Yes’ or ‘Yes definitely’ or ‘can I come out of my room now?!’
But, yes, they think I’m funny. The sad part is that they are funnier than I am, so there’s usually a good competition going on here. It’s kind of like that Comic Gameshow where everyone is fighting to come out on top except I can punish them and take their shit away, so I usually win by default.
Kind of like Let’s Make A Deal? The Monty Hall version, not the Wayne Brady one. Alright let’s talk about the book. There is a chapter on the app Draw Something, a game similar to the old Win, Lose ,or Draw TV show. I’m impressed with your talent, especially since you do it all with your finger. The things I do with my finger, not so impressive…to straight dudes. Besides your Architectural background, do you ever pursue drawing as a career, perhaps like the Sunday comics?
Rodney: No. But my publisher is toying with the idea of doing an animated series where I do the drawing. I love the idea although it sounds exhausting because I hate doing work.
And, yes, all the Draw Something pics are done on my hand-me-down iPod from my son, and I use the tip of my finger. I’m 5’3” tall, so I’m like Edward StylusHands. So tiny. So..so tiny.
Can you share what the show might be about?
Rodney: I have NO idea. Just something he floated my way as an idea. I’d do the drawings and we’d both do the voices. Kind of like The Simpsons or Family Guy but better. I’m just kidding. I can do, like, Pee Wee Herman and maybe Curly from the Three Stooges as voices. Other than that, I sound like a nasally penguin.
Here is an idea, and well tie in to the book. How about your childhood as the fat version of yourself you describe a la Bill Cosby. Family Guy sucks by the way. Same joke different week.
Rodney: So, basically a white version of Fat Albert? Hm. That would be great except I only have 2 childhood friends. I guess that would work, though. One would have the voice of Pee Wee Herman and the other guy would sound like Curly.
I expect a credit on this then.
Rodney: I will send you nothing and you will like it.
Sounds like we are dating. You’re obviously not fat now as evidently by the picture of you I carry in my wallet…sorry. Was that creepy? What changed that for you? Puberty? Exercise? Stomach Stapling?
Rodney: I lost all my weight in High School when I – believe it or not – started working at a local restaurant. I was so busy working, I didn’t have time for eating. Then I met girls and had sex that one time. So that was, like, 100 calories I’ll never see again. BAM!
That’s so opposite of me. My restaurant job got me fat, then I lost all my weight with my computer job. Do you think your humor stems from the fat boy you use to be, like did people make fun of you, tough shell, and all those cliches?
Rodney: I TOTALLY know I used humor to defer people away from making fun of me. Plus, I was a giant pussy back then, too. So if someone wanted to beat me up, I made fun of them so everyone would laugh at his expense. Then he would beat me up worse. Thinking back, humor is a terrible coping mechanism.
Yet all famous funny people have used or do use it. Any comedy idols for you, famous or not so famous?
Rodney: Um. I don’t know. Like, I LOVED Sam Kinison. I actually saw him live back in the day. I also saw Andrew Dice Clay live as well. THAT was a fun first date. *rolls eyes*
But for other idols? Meh. I don’t know. I mean, there are a lot of funny people out there, but I think Kinison was probably the best I’d ever seen. Rude. Funny. Not even remotely politically correct. Yeah, that sounds like me.
We may need to wrap this up soon. I have to take my kids home and my dog is crying because he has to shit. I hope that’s why he’s crying and not because he already DID shit because I’ve been doing this for a while.
No problem. I didn’t have much more, but the dog shitting ending is so… unfulfilling.
Rodney: Okay. Shoot. I probably have a few more minutes before he explodes.
I’ll be fast. By the way I’ll now read your tweets in a Sam Kinison voice.
In the book you go into great details about your vasectomy….We are vasectomy brothers all though I haven’t seen you at the meetings. Mine wasn’t that bad, except when I pulled my pants down for them to examine me for the first time, my doctor said, “Wow, I have never seen one that big before!” I said, “Gee, thanks.” And blushed. He replied, “The vein going down your balls is huge. It’s a wonder you had kids at all.” At that moment I’m sure my turtle hid itself quickly in it’s shell. Any regrets over the surgery now that you are divorced and in the dating world?
Oh my God. Going into the dating world with a vasectomy is like walking into an AA meeting with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
No. I have NO regrets. I have 2 awesome kids and, honestly, that’s enough. I’m also 44 and don’t feel like being 90 and trying to change a diaper. I kind of like sleeping, too. So, you know, FUCK THAT.
I hear you, but you know women. “I want a baby…with you!” “What? Do you know me?” I’ll wrap this up for you to take the kids out to poop and the dog back to the ex-wife. Two last questions.
You had a lot of material to pull your book from blog/Twitter/Facebook/porn. Was it hard to sit down and decide what to use, what not to use, what to share, etc?
Rodney: Well..I sent SO much to my Publisher/Editor that it was his idea on which stories we should build a narrative about. As you know, I talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing is off the books. So, this book came together about parenting, childhood and dating. Then it comes full circle with the vasectomy stories to close it all out…kind of literally. We have so much material, and I had so much fun writing original stuff for this book, that we’re looking ahead to a second one.
Hey me too. Enjoyed it alot. I’m saying alot alot. Last question, on the book tour, who’s first Letterman or Leno?
Rodney: Oh. Letterman. Totally Letterman.
But in fairness, I’d do both guys. Both SHOWS. Not both guys. Unless they asked. and even then I’d have to have guarantees up front. It’s all bizness, yo.
Thank god for the vasectomy then. Thanks for the time and the book.
Rodney: Thank YOU for doing this, and for enjoying the book!!! Hugely appreciate what you’re doing for me, and I’m really glad you took the time to help me out. Not literally, I don’t need help out. I usually need help in. Different story. Different book.
Follow Mooooooog35 on Twitter: @Mooooooog35