This morning on the Howard Stern Show, Howard and the crew held a contest to select the next HSS Wack Packer. Four participants made it this far and it was nothing short or entertaining, as usual. The Grand Prize was $5,000 and more importantly, an association with the Howard Stern Show that usually ends up in some sort of sponsorship or promotional gigs. The contest was judged by the Show staff, sans Benji Bronk, as well as current Wack Packer, Bigfoot.
The contestants were as follows:
Hillbilly Jack: Jack was exactly as his name suggests… a hillbilly. From the moment Jack opened his mouth, it sounded like a scene right out of Deilverance. Jack had no teeth (he left them in a jar at home), is 50-years old and lives with his mother in Pennsylvania. He is a widower, with one grandchild and admitted that he smokes pot with his mother. Jack said he went to college and studied botany. Howard was instantly attracted to his voice and almost crowned him the winner before any other contestant was interviewed.
Freddie: Freddie wasn’t too interesting… at least by Wack Packer standards. We learned that Freddie also likes to smoke pot and shits his pants every so often. He is 53 and had prostate surgery that limits his erection potential. Freddie appeared to be much too functional a human being to be considered for the Wack Pack.
Greg: Third up was Greg and he immediately put the contest back on track. He was hit by a car, was in a coma for a few months and had a ton of issues resulting from it, including being stuck in a wheelchair. Greg spoke VERY slowly and in a very odd voice. So much so that Big Foot approved of his Wack Pack potential with a “Here we go!” Like the previous two contestants, Greg likes to smoke week because he thinks he can walk while high. Greg talked about some experience with prostitutes and that he has been in trouble in the past for just grabbing random girls’ breasts. We also learned that he is a chess player and challenged Howard on the spot.
Robert: Robert found his way into the contest by being a cross-dressing bi-sexual. He explained his lifestyle by saying his mother always wanted a girl and he wanted to make her happy. Robert likes to have sex with women, while dressed as a woman… but we later found out that he hasn’t actually had sex at all and considered masturbating as having sex. It was apparent that Robert had a limited mental capacity, but Howard thought he was functional enough.
Once all of the contestants were introduced, Howard quickly tested their intelligence by asking them each what 8+7 was. Freddie and Greg both knew, but the question even stumped Big foot. Hillbilly Jack, who claimed he went to college, couldn’t answer.
To voting amongst the staff was tight between Hillbilly Jack and Wheelchair Greg. The voting was a dead tie when it came down to Jason Caplan’s deciding vote. Jason went with Jack “because of his laugh.”
Hillbilly Jack was crowned the next Wack Packer and awarded $5,000 courtesy of Fubar.com. $711 was given to Greg, by 7-11, for coming in second, but during a commercial break, Howard announced that Fubar.com was also awarding Greg $2,500. Greg was happy because he needed a few thousand dollars for a “butt tuck.”